


Outtakes: Behind the Memes

by phoenixsky



Series: that meme fic [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Chaotic Neutral Ginny Weasley, Crack, Disaster Bi Harry Potter, F/F, F/M, Harry is a honorary redhead, Humor, M/M, Memes, Multi, Quidditch Mom Draco Malfoy, Tumblr Memes, challenge: can I avoid the plot this time?, literally no angst at all, probably not, this is so gay u guys, who would have thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-03-29 09:37:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19017259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixsky/pseuds/phoenixsky
Summary: CannonBALLS: mum will flip outPercyWeasleyUSM: second thatFightorFight: she’ll be so madFightorFight: do it





	1. Newsflash: Weasleys Have Red Hair

**Author's Note:**

> I promised a sequel, didn't I??  
> Look at me, delivering so quickly! :D  
> (don't get used to that)
> 
> SO, many people asked for other characters to show up as well (for example Ginny and the Puffs/Claws), and here they are. Of course many of the characters of my first fic will appear as well. 
> 
> Timeline wise, some of the things in this first chapter reference things which happened in the first fic, so make sure to read that one first! This is a really short chapter, but it covers quite a lot of the first fic because these are more snapshots of conversations which happen over a longer period of time.
> 
> As always: if you want to try and guess the usernames, read the chapter directly. If you'd rather have the guide, there's one in the end notes.
> 
> Happy reading ;D

 

**Puffs And Claws Group chat**

**Toniiiiiiii** : anyone has the notes for the last transfig lesson?

 **Bert** : aren’t you claws supposed to have all the notes???

 **Toniiiiiiii** : nah we’re busy with another project

 **Toniiiiiiii** : it’s about trying to increase the strength of a spell with pepper up

 **Hanni** : that sounds like it will end with something exploding

 **TheSmarterOne** : you think so?

 **TheSmarterOne** : that would be fascinating

 **Bones** : you can have my notes

 **Toniiiiiiii** : a LIFESAVER

 **Bones** : you’re welcome

 **Bones** : can I see the explosion?

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **FightorFight** _to_ **Luna**

 **FightorFight** : Luna, what do your Seer-eyes see?

 **Luna** : Draco is going to snap exactly three days after Christmas and kiss Harry in the Great Hall

 **FightorFight** : Thank you, oh wise one, for sharing your wisdom with me

 **Luna** : You’re welcome :)

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Tiredofyourshit** _to_ **CatsDoItBetter**

 **Tiredofyourshit** : hello professor

 **Tiredofyourshit** : as you are aware, the winter holidays are approaching

 **Tiredofyourshit** : this means NEWTS are only one and a half years away

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I am sure you can see how urgently us students need to start studying

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I already made a study plan, but I wanted to ask if you can give me any pointers on which topics in transfiguration will be most relevant

 **CatsDoItBetter** : Miss Granger

 **CatsDoItBetter** : couldn’t you have waited until AFTER the winter holidays

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I am aware that I might be a bit early, but…

 **CatsDoItBetter** : oh no it’s just I betted on just after the holidays

 **CatsDoItBetter** : severus will be so smug that he won

 **Tiredofyourshit** : … sorry?

 **CatsDoItBetter** : just come to my office after lunch, miss granger

 **Tiredofyourshit** : yes thank you, professor

 

 

**TIRED™ Group chat**

**CatsDoItBetter** ; severus won

 **GringGods** : not AGAIN

 **Plant-Mom** : how does he always know??

 **TheNight** : I’m just that good

 **CatsDoItBetter** : _@TheNight_ I’m so… wait for it …. tired of your shit

 **GringGods** : ohhhhhhhhhhhh

 **GringGods** : nice

 **Cassandra** : oh severus, btw, I can see a major disturbance in young harry’s life coming very soon

 **TheNight** : no

 **Cassandra** : don’t you want to know what it is?

 **TheNight** : don’t you want to continue teaching

 **TheNight** : stop scaring my not-yet-adopted-son u discounted fruit fly

 **Horrorscope** : hey yes so ignoring all that

 **Horrorscope** : we need a new bet. Any suggestions?

 **Plant-Mom** : yes

 **Plant-Mom** : “how long will it take for the 6yrs Puffs/Claws to kick out Mr. Smith out of the group chat”

 **GringGods** : second

 **CatsDoItBetter** : can we give negative bets

 **CatsDoItBetter** : because I believe it already happened at least once

 **Plant-Mom** : …

 **Plant-Mom:** “how long will it take for the 6yrs Puffs/Claws to kick out Mr. Smith out of the group chat AGAIN”

 

 

**Redheads And Harry Group chat**

**Will.I.Am** : guys and sis, I need your opinion

 **Feorge** : well I can definitely tell you know that you’ll regret asking us

 **Gred** : how can we help you, dear brother

 **CannonBALLS** : wait aren’t we missing someone

 **DragonsThough** : perce escaped again

 **CannonBALLS** : knew it

 **CannonBALLS** _added_ **PercyWeasleyUSM** _to the chat_

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : why

 **Gred** : hello dear unsurprisingly stuffy meringue

 **Feorge** : greetings, oh undeniably smartass-y motherhen

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : it’s UnderSecretary to the Minister and you know it

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : and smartass-y isn’t even a word

 **ILivedBitch** : gasp

 **ILivedBitch** : you said a bad word

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : your username literally has the word bitch in it, Harry

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : why am I here

 **FightorFight** : bill needs our opinion

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : don’t do it

 **Will.I.Am** : Excuse you im one of the responsible ones

 **Will.I.Am** : there’s only two us against seven of them

 **CannonBALLS** : I think u mean six

 **Will.I.Am** : Harry counts twice

 **ILivedBitch** : RUDE

 **ILivedBitch** : I mean its true but u shouldn’t say it

 **FightorFight** : can u guys get to the point, some of us actually have a life

 **DragonsThough** : u don’t have a life, don’t lie

 **FightorFight** : ?????

 **FightorFight** : A Girlfriend = Life

 **FightorFight** : your point???

 **Will.I.Am** : OKAY

 **Will.I.Am** : my question is this:

 **Will.I.Am** : how angry will mum be if I dye my hair red??

 **Gred** : …

 **Feorge** : Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this

 **Gred** : I know its difficult

 **Feorge** : and apparently it will come as a surprise

 **Gred** : but we all already have red hair

 **Feorge** : well, except harry, that is

 **Gred** : but that’s okay he’s still valid his mum was a redhead

 **Will.I.Am** : I mean dark red u dumbasses

 **CannonBALLS** : mum will flip out

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : second that

 **FightorFight** : she’ll be so mad

 **FightorFight** : do it

 **Will.I.Am** : fleur thinks it would look great

 **CannonBALLS** : well if F L E U R thinks so

 **Will.I.Am** : harry, what do you think?

 **CannonBALLS** : he’s busy right now

 **CannonBALLS** : draco walked by and smiled at him, and now harry is daydreaming about growing some balls and asking him out

 **CannonBALLS** : useless

 **DragonsThough** : any hope that his relationship status will change soon?

 **FightorFight** : insiders say it might just change soon ;-)

 

 

**The Burrow Group chat**

**CannonBALLS** _posted a picture to the chat_

 **CannonBALLS** : is that allowed?????

 **MrsW** : Oh my.

 **MrsW** : In the middle of the Great Hall, really.

 **MrW** : the lads look happy. good for them.

 **MrsW** : Do you think Draco would prefer a blue or a green jumper???

 **MrsW** : Yule might be already over, but it’s never too late for presents.

 **CannonBALLS** : mione says green

 **MrW** : because of slytherin?

 **CannonBALLS** : nah

 **CannonBALLS** : because harry will end up stealing it and green looks good on him

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **FightorFight** _to_ **Luna**

 **FightorFight** : BETRAYED

 **FightorFight** : BY MY OWN GIRLFRIEND

 **Luna** : I only said he would snap, I didn’t say it was because Harry had already asked him out and he wanted everyone to know

 **FightorFight** : I really wanted to win that bet :(

 **Luna** : :)

 **FightorFight** : …

 **FightorFight** : you won the bet, didn’t you

 **Luna** : I might have

 **FightorFight** : this betrayal cuts deeper and deeper with every second

 **Luna** : I’m going to take you out on an amazing date with the money I won

 **FightorFight** : …

 **FightorFight** : forgiven

 **FightorFight** : now can we talk about how much of a loser harry is for asking out Draco over wiz-chat???

 **Luna** : Ginny, you asked me out over wiz-chat

 **FightorFight** : yes, well, I never claimed to not be a loser, did I???

 

 

**Puffs And Claws Group chat**

**Smith** : Ok, seriously, who spread the rumours about the orgies again??

 **Smith** : this is serious, guys, my mum wrote me a letter

 **Smith** : we are direct descendants of Helga Hufflepuff, I can’t dirty our name like this

 **Hanni** : Smith

 **Smith** : Yes?

 **Hanni** : you can tell your mum that we wouldn’t invite you to an orgy anyway, so your name is safe and pure

 **Smith** : …. am I supposed to be offended?

 **Smith** : WAIT

 **Smith** : does that mean there ARE orgies?????

 **Smith** : I CAN SEE THAT YOU GUYS ARE ONLINE

 **Hanni** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **User name guide:**  
>   
> 
> MrsW – Mrs. Weasley  
> MrW – Mr. Weasley  
> Will.I.Am – Bill W.  
> DragonsThough – Charlie W.  
> PercyWeasleyUSM – Percy W.  
> Gred/Feorge – either Fred or George, they switch user names about every second week  
> CannonBALLS – Ron W.  
> FightorFight – Ginny W.
> 
> ILivedBitch – Harry Potter  
> Fuckoffimreading – Theo Snape  
> TheMoon – Remus  
> TheStars – Sirius  
> TheNight – Severus
> 
> Toniiiiiiii – Anthony Goldstein  
> Bert – Ernie Macmillan  
> TheSmarterOne – Padma Patil  
> Hanni – Hannah Abbott  
> Bones – Susan Bones  
> Smith – Zacharias Smith
> 
> Luna – Luna  
> Tiredofyourshit - Hermione
> 
> CatsDoItBetter - Minnie  
> GringGods - Flitwick  
> Plant-Mom - Sprout  
> Cassandra - Trelawny  
> Horrorscopes - Sinistra
> 
>  
> 
> Luna doesn’t understand the concept of using something else than your name as your chatname.  
> Padma believes her chatname proves that she’s indeed the smarter one because she capitalized the first letter of each word.
> 
> I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any orgies.
> 
>  
> 
> SO! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! :D
> 
> The next chapter should be online next Wed. (5th June 2019) in the evening (German time).
> 
> In the meantime, I would love you forever for any kudos and comments you want to leave here. You can also yell at me on [tumblr](https://phoenix-skies.tumblr.com/)
> 
> See ya  
> Sky


	2. And There Be Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **DragonsThough:** you need to tell someone  
>  **ILivedBitch:** lol  
>  **ILivedBitch:** no thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still wednesday!!!!! In Germany at least.
> 
> I'm dead tired, I've had a team workshop the entire day, incl. dinner and drinks, so now it's almost 11pm and tomorrow I have work again and I really need my 8 hours of sleep but there's not enough time and I'm rambling.
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> Here's a chapter! Regarding user names, pls refer to the guide in chapter 1.

 

**The Burrow Group chat**

**DragonsThough** _posted a picture to the chat_

**DragonsThough:** A BABY

**FightorFight:** its only as long as your arm and it looks as if it could kill a hippogriff

**FightorFight:** cute

**Gred:** aw is that norberta’s baby??

**DragonsThough:** yesss

**DragonsThough:** the birth was a bit complicated so the mama is sleeping

**DragonsThough:** and im babysitting :D

**MrsW:** Charlie Weasley, is that BLOOD on your arm?!

**Feorge** : *gasp*

**DragonsThough:** no mum

**DragonsThough** : its catch-up

**MrsW:** That’s not a real word, Charlie.

**MrsW:** I TOLD YOU this job is too dangerous.

**MrsW:** _@MrW_ Say something, Arthur.

**MrW** : She’s a beautiful young lady, Charlie. It is a girl, right?

**DragonsThough:** Yes!! :D And I’ll tell Norberta, she’ll be proud

**MrsW:** No, Arthur.

**MrsW:** Tell your son to stop making up words to get out of an argument.

**DragonsThough:** it’s a real word mum!

**DragonsThough** : it’s a muggle word, for this red paste they eat

**DragonsThough:** its really tasty

**CannonBALLS:** mione talked about catch-up before

**CannonBALLS:** Charlie is telling the truth

**MrsW:** Oh well.

**MrsW:** I would still prefer receiving pictures of grandchildren with a few less teeth and claws, but at this point, I’ll take what I get.

 

**Redheads and Harry Group chat**

**FightorFight:** its totally blood, isn’t it

**DragonsThough** : oh yeah

**DragonsThough:** she kinda panicked when I picked her up

**DragonsThough:** she’s calm now though

**DragonsThough:** and she’ll eventually learn that she can’t eat me

**Feorge:** “eventually”

**Gred:** that’s not worrying at all

**DragonsThough:** :)

 

**Direct Message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **DragonsThough**

**ILivedBitch:** so

**ILivedBitch** : theoretically

**DragonsThough** : oh no

**DragonsThough** : not again, H

**ILivedBitch** : h y p o t h e t i c a l l y

**DragonsThough** : just tell me what you’ve done

**ILivedBitch** : well excuse you

**ILivedBitch** : who says it was me????

**ILivedBitch** : it could have been anyone

**DragonsThough** : Harry

**ILivedBitch** : yes, well

**ILivedBitch** : let’s say someone

**ILivedBitch** : could be anyone

**ILivedBitch** : doesn’t have to be me

**ILivedBitch** : s o m e o n e 

**ILivedBitch** : somehow managed to make their life-like dragon toy … breathe fire

**ILivedBitch** : JUST A TINY AMOUNT OF FIRE THOUGH

**DragonsThough** : HERBERT IS BREATHING FIRE????

**DragonsThough** : HE’S A TOY HE’S NOT REAL

**DragonsThough** : HE SHOULD NOT BE DOING THAT

**ILivedBitch** : I know!!!!

**ILivedBitch** : that’s why someone might be panicking

**ILivedBitch** : in this entirely hypothetical situation

**DragonsThough** : is he showing any other signs of

**DragonsThough** : you know

**DragonsThough** : actually being alive

**ILivedBitch** : well…

**ILivedBitch** : there’s the fact that he’s eating

**DragonsThough** : ????

**DragonsThough** : he should be solid inside

**DragonsThough** : he doesn’t have intestines, a stomach or anything like that

**DragonsThough** : HOW is he eating??

**ILivedBitch** : well you know he opens his mouth and swallows and then a few hours later he uses my bed as a loo which is honestly so rude

**DragonsThough** : he’s pooping

**ILivedBitch** : he’s pooping

**DragonsThough** : Herbert

**DragonsThough** : your toy dragon

**DragonsThough** : is eating and pooping

**ILivedBitch** : he has also grown???? Not, like, much, but he originally fit into one hand, and now I need two to hold him

**DragonsThough** : he’s….. grOWinG

**ILivedBitch** : and breathing fire. I feel like that’s important to remember

**DragonsThough** : harry

**DragonsThough** : you turned your toy dragon into a living creature

**DragonsThough** : a probably sentient creature

**ILivedBitch** : oh yea def sentient

**ILivedBitch** : Herbert has mood swings like crazy

**DragonsThough** : …

**DragonsThough** : you need to tell someone

**ILivedBitch** : lol

**ILivedBitch** : no thank you

**DragonsThough** : harry

**DragonsThough** : what you did should be impossible

**ILivedBitch** : yeah well

**ILivedBitch** : ‘impossible’ never really did apply to me, did it

**DragonsThough** : Harry

**ILivedBitch** : you are making the ‘I’m so disappointed in you’ face, aren’t you

**ILivedBitch** : why can you even make this face you’re not a parent

**DragonsThough** : excuse me I’m the OG mother of dragons

**ILivedBitch** : true I guess

**ILivedBitch** : merlin, I’ll have to tell my dads about this, don’t I

**ILivedBitch** : there goes my image of an unproblematic son

**DragonsThough** : H, you’ve never been unproblematic

**ILivedBitch** : wow

**ILivedBitch** : r u d e

**ILivedBitch** : I don’t have to listen to this

**DragonsThough** : I’m gonna send you a few books on how to train your dragon

**ILivedBitch** : awesome

 

**Modern Family (cause traditions suck) Group chat**

**ILivedBitch** : so

**Fuckoffimreading** : oh this is gonna be good

**TheMoon** : Harry, pls

**ILivedBitch** : the OfFEnsE

**ILivedBitch** : maybe let me talk first???

**TheStars** : just give it to us straight, harry

**TheStars** : nothing can shook us at this point

**ILivedBitch** : ok

**ILivedBitch:** (lol “straight”)

**ILivedBitch** : I accidentally turned Herbert into a real dragon. He’s still small though!! Almost completely harmless

**TheStars** : I lied

**TheStars** : I’m SHOOK wtf harry

**TheNight** : detention

**ILivedBitch** : you can’t give me detention, I’m your son! :O

**TheNight** : watch me

**TheMoon** : “almost harmless”????

**ILivedBitch** : well you know sometimes he sneezes, right???

**ILivedBitch** : and he might sometimes occasionally maybe breathe fire when he sneezes

**TheNight** : ok no detention

**ILivedBitch** : :D

**TheNight** : you’re grounded

**ILivedBitch** : D:

**TheNight** : bring your dragon and I’ll bring Hogwarts’s dragon

**TheStars** : …. Do you… mean… Minnie???

**TheNight** : she’ll love this

**TheNight** : might as well call albus too

**TheNight** : I don’t know enough about transfig to deal with this

**Fuckoffimreading** : can I come too

**ILivedBitch** : are u asking to be grounded???

**Fuckoffimreading** : nah im not the problematic one

**Fuckoffimreading** : I want to listen to the nerd talk

**ILivedBitch** : ur so weird

**Fuckoffimreading** : you have literally no room to talk

**ILivedBitch** : …

**ILivedBitch** : that’s fair

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!!! 
> 
> (Everyone likes dragons, right???)
> 
> I think my usage of punctuation correlates positively with the number of drinks I have consumed.
> 
> Any errors are my fault, you guys, there are no beta readers here and I'm way too tired to check for any mistakes.
> 
> I'll answer all your awesome comments tomorrow, I promise!! Also the new ones on "There's a meme for that". Reading them all makes me super happy, so if you like this chapter but can't think of a comment copy&paste this: "Dragons just be like that sometimes" and I'll know you liked it! :D
> 
> And now I sleep :D
> 
> See ya,  
> Sky


	3. Meanwhile: Wiltshire Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **LegallyBlond:** family doesn’t block each other  
>  **LegallyBlond:** family makes screenshots for receipts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all wanted more Narcissa, y'all got a whole lot of Narcissa.
> 
> Reminder of user names:
> 
> **IDon'tKnowHer** : Narcissa  
>  **TheStars** : u better know this one   
> **LegallyBlond** : Lucius  
>  **TheNight** : this one was a flash of genius, do not dare to forget who this is  
>  **Muffin #2** : Greg  
>  **BlondBitch** : my bitchy son  
>  **ILivedBitch** : my sassy son 
> 
> .... wait is that incest then?
> 
> Anyway. Proceed:

 

**Direct message** _from_ **TheStars** _to_ **IDon’tKnowHer**

**TheStars:** my dear cousin

**TheStars** : my favourite of all relatvies

**TheStars** : *relatives

**IDon’tKnowHer** : what do you want

**TheStars** : maybe I just want to talk to you???

**TheStars** : ask you about your day??

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I made Mrs. Goyle cry today. Obviously I feel fantastic.

**TheStars** : its not even 10am yet

**TheStars** : I admire you so much

**IDon’tKnowHer** : as you should

**IDon’tKnowHer** : now what do you want

**TheStars** : well

**TheStars** : about your second favourite slytherin

**IDon’tKnowHer** : draco?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : what do you want with my son, Sirius

**TheStars** : what

**TheStars** : no

**TheStars** : I mean severus

**IDon’tKnowHer** : oh

**IDon’tKnowHer** : he’s number three

**TheStars** : so lucy is number one??

**TheStars** : cute

**IDon’tKnowHer** : he wishes

**IDon’tKnowHer** : he’s number four

**TheStars** : wait then who is number 1??

**IDon’tKnowHer** : myself, obviously

**IDon’tKnowHer** : do try and keep up, won’t you?

**TheStars** : I guess I could have thought of that

**TheStars** : anyway

**TheStars** : I digress

**IDon’tKnowHer** : don’t hurt yourself with those big words

**TheStars** : ur so mean I don’t know why I like u

**IDon’tKnowHer** : you never had a chance

**IDon’tKnowHer** : now what do you want

**TheStars** : u know that sev wrote potion books?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I know he has been writing  s o m e t h i n g  for the last few years

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I didn’t know what exactly

**IDon’tKnowHer** : he didn’t do something as ridiculous as publish it under an alias, did he

**TheStars** : a slytherin

**TheStars** : not taking credit for their accomplishments

**TheStars** : I don’t think so

**TheStars** : no the publishers didn’t want the books (idiots, all of them) and sev doesn’t have the funds to publish them himself

**IDon’tKnowHer** : THE FUNDS

**TheStars** : I know I know

**IDon’tKnowHer** : HE DIDN’T PUBLISH THEM BECAUSE OF MONEY?????

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **TheNight**

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I’m disappointed, but I admit that part of this might have been Lucius’ fault, so I will let this pass.

**TheNight** : ???

**TheNight** : what

**TheNight** : why are u disappointed, what is going on

**TheNight** : is this about Lucius and me watching the entire Bee Movie????

**TheNight** : we were drunk, Cissy!! You can’t hold us responsible for that

**TheNight** : Cissa?

**TheNight** : u always do this. U always leave cryptic messages and immediately after disappear into the void

**TheNight** : wait

**TheNight** : is this about something Sirius said

**TheNight** : don’t listen to the mutt

**TheNight** : no one should ever listen to anything he says

**IDon’tKnowHer** : he wrote you those heartfelt messages and you agreed to give him a chance because of that

**TheNight** : and witness what is has done to me

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **Muffin #2** _to_ **BlondBitch**

**Muffin #2:** ur mum made my mum cry

**BlondBitch:** …

**BlondBitch** : do u sometimes think about the fact that in normal families, that sentence would be “ur child made my child cry”??

**BlondBitch** : anyway apologies for my mother

**BlondBitch** : my father has been quite busy in the ministry lately and that always makes her cranky

**BlondBitch** : though she would never admit that

**Muffin** **#2** : it’s okay

**Muffin** **#2** : my mum lives for self-pity and drama, so she probably enjoyed the morning just as much as your mum

**BlondBitch** : why are our parents all … like this

**Muffin #2** : idk but it’s probably the reason why we are all like… that

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **LegallyBlond**

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I am incredibly disappointed

**LegallyBlond** : I feel the same, my dear.

**LegallyBlond** : I didn’t think she’d cry this fast, there was no real challenge there.

**LegallyBlond** : But still, you were magnificent as always.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I am talking about you, Lucius

**LegallyBlond** : …

**LegallyBlond** : in ym defense

**LegallyBlond** : *my

**LegallyBlond** : I didn’t think it would actually be about a woman falling in love with a bee

**IDon’tKnowHer** : what

**IDon’tKnowHer** : no, Lucius, this isn’t about this bee movie

**IDon’tKnowHer** : wait so the movie is about a woman and a bee

**IDon’tKnowHer** : an actual human woman

**LegallyBlond** : yes and an actual bee

**LegallyBlond** : its ridiculous

**LegallyBlond** : they sue humanity

**IDon’tKnowHer** : No

**LegallyBlond** : YES

**IDon’tKnowHer** : but why??

**LegallyBlond** : I honestly don’t know, I was already pretty drunk at that point

**IDon’tKnowHer** : every day I understand muggles less

**LegallyBlond** : I think it involves the cultural phenomena of so-called “furry”?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : as in something that has a lot of fur?

**LegallyBlond** : I was led to believe it has some significance in regards to amorous relationships

**IDon’tKnowHer** : how so?

**LegallyBlond** : I don’t know the specifics

**IDon’tKnowHer** : no

**IDon’tKnowHer** : how do you know about this furry thing anyway?

**LegallyBlond** : oh

**LegallyBlond** : well

**LegallyBlond** : you know me and severus were watching the bee movie, right?

**LegallyBlond** : at one point – we had already drunken quite a lot – severus called the woman in the movie a “damn furry”

**LegallyBlond** : forgive my language, my dear. You always manage to reduce me to less than proper texting grammar

**IDon’tKnowHer** : focus on the story, Lucius

**LegallyBlond** : right

**LegallyBlond** : so then severus seemed to … pause for a moment, and then he stared at me and said “Sirius is a dog. Remus is a wolf” and then he looked quite horrified and whispered “I am a damn furry”

**IDon’tKnowHer** : well

**IDon’tKnowHer** : that sounds hilarious, I want that memory

**IDon’tKnowHer** : so its about being in love with… animals?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : isn’t that just bestiality

**LegallyBlond** : well that would be quite unexciting

**LegallyBlond** : do you think muggles just discovered that?

**LegallyBlond** : the wizarding world knew about that since forever

**IDon’tKnowHer** : maybe the muggles never realized?

**LegallyBlond** : well how did they think centaurs came to be?

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **TheStars**

**IDon’tKnowHer** : and another thing

**IDon’tKnowHer** : even if he didn’t publish them

**IDon’tKnowHer** : why didn’t he give us the manuscripts to read

**TheStars** : narcissa its five hours later, u cant just pretend you never left this conversation

**IDon’tKnowHer** : watch me

**TheStars** : … :I

**TheStars** : why would you be interested in the manuscripts anyway, you suck at potions

**IDon’tKnowHer** : excuse you

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I chose not to apply myself at potions

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I can’t be the best at everything I do

**TheStars** : because it would make everyone jealous and lead to conflicts?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : because it would be boring

**IDon’tKnowHer** : now, I want those books for draco

**IDon’tKnowHer** : you are doing your best to get them published, I assume

**TheStars** : obviously

**IDon’tKnowHer** : excellent. Finally, the black fortune will do some good

**TheStars** : that was the whole point of messaging you about that

**TheStars** : u have some contacts in the publishing industry, I assume?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : dear cousin, if I wanted I could BE the publishing industry

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I’ll send you some names

**IDon’tKnowHer** : anyway. I will leave now, I need to go embarrass my son.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I expect to see you and your two boyfriends for dinner tomorrow night

**TheStars** : what if we have prior commitments?

**IDon’tKnowHer** : none more important than my wish to see you

**TheStars** : *demand

**IDon’tKnowHer** : *most generous offer

**TheStars** : *order

**IDon’tKnowHer** : *my patience is a fragile little teacup and once broken it does in fact not come back together

**TheStars** : yes, yes okay

**TheStars** : see you later…

**IDon’tKnowHer** : don’t

**TheStars** : … crocodile

**IDon’tKnowHer** : FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE FINISH THAT SENTENCE CORRECTLY

**TheStars** : …

**TheStars** : …….

**TheStars** : caiman

 

 

**House of Malfoy Group chat**

**IDon’tKnowHer:** so

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Draco

**BlondBitch** : I do not like how you started this conversation

**IDon’tKnowHer** : pity you

**IDon’tKnowHer** : now

**IDon’tKnowHer** : what exactly is the definition of a “furry”?

**BlondBitch** : why

**BlondBitch** : why do you know that word

**LegallyBlond** : severus is a furry

**BlondBitch** : I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT

**BlondBitch** : how do YOU know that???!!

**BlondBitch** : no wait I don’t want to know that either

**BlondBitch** : can we just… skip this conversation?

**LegallyBlond:** but son

**LegallyBlond** : we, your parents, realized that there is something we don’t know

**BlondBitch:** don’t

**LegallyBlond:** and we immediately thought

**BlondBitch:** don’t do it

**LegallyBlond:** WAIT TILL OUR SON HEARS ABOUT THIS

**BlondBitch:** oh merlin

**BlondBitch:** why can’t I just block both of you

**LegallyBlond:** family doesn’t block each other

**LegallyBlond:** family makes screenshots for receipts

**IDon’tKnowHer** : listen draco, if u don’t want to be helpful, I’ll have to take drastic actions

**BlondBitch** : ????? don’t

**IDon’tKnowHer** _added_ **ILivedBitch** _to the chat_

**BlondBitch:** omg mum no

**ILivedBitch:** …. Why am I here?

**LegallyBlond** : Look darling, you scared him into using proper grammar.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : delightful

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Mr. Potter

**ILivedBitch** : Madame Malfoy

**BlondBitch** : ypu call my mum “Madame”???

**ILivedBitch** : your mother puts the fear of God into me, Draco

**IDon’tKnowHer** : as it should be

**IDon’tKnowHer** : anyway. As an aspiring Malfoy, Mr. Potter, you should be able to answer the following question:

**ILivedBitch** : “aspirijng malfoyy”???

**BlondBitch** : why are you so shocked

**BlondBitch** : did u honestly think I’d let you leave again??

**ILivedBitch** : honestly? no.

**ILivedBitch** : but what’s so bad about the name “Potter”??

**BlondBitch** _is typing…_

**IDon’tKnowHer** : that’s a discussion for another day, boys

**IDon’tKnowHer** : now, mr. potter

**IDon’tKnowHer** : what exactly is a “furry”?

**ILivedBitch:** …

**ILivedBitch** _posted a picture to the chat_

**ILivedBitch** _has left the chat_

**LegallyBlond:** is that … is that …

**BlondBitch:** a “get out of jail card”? It sure is

**IDon’tKnowHer:** well played, mr. potter. Well played

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do.  
> Not.  
> Ask.   
> Me.  
> I honestly do not know where the content of this chapter came from. I've never even watched the Bee Movie. All I know about it is from tumblr. I don't know if the woman qualifies as a furry. All I know about furries is also from tumblr. I try to avoid that part of tumblr though.
> 
> No shaming though, it's a free world y'all. In most parts anyway.
> 
> WELL. HAPPY PRIDE MONTHS YOU GUYS AND GALS AND IN-BETWEENS AND OFF-THE-SCALES.  
> If you go to a parade, have fun and please be safe!! <3
> 
> Next update will probs be next Wednesday. It's gonna be a bit different, but I'm having a lot of fun with it! :D
> 
> Thank you for all your comments, I love reading them so much! Once again, if you liked this chapter and want to see more, ~~hit that subscribe button and~~ leave a comment below! If you can't think of anything but want to tell me that you liked it, post "Malfoys do it better". ;D
> 
> See ya around,  
> Sky


	4. A Day In The Life Of The Minister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **PercyWeasleyUSM** : send me a pic?  
>  **ILivedBitch** : no, draco will get jealous  
>  **CannonBALLS** : merlin, harry, no  
>  **CannonBALLS** : ew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey - it's Wednesday somewhere, right?  
> Right?  
> It probably isn't.
> 
> Sorry for the delay you people, I've had a super busy week (and it's gonna get worse, yay). But today is a public holiday in Germany, so I had time to format this whole thing and finally update :D
> 
> There are, and I am so sorry to say this, not many memes in this chapter. This has been very much inspired by my actual workplace, and I started out wanting to write about Fudge and somehow made a wrong turn in the very beginning and went on a quest to Make Y'All Love Percy Weasely.  
> I don't even know if some of this will be funny to you. But I kind of love this chapter, because I got to play around a lot. There are a lot of new formats (emails, calls etc.) and I really enjoyed writing this :D
> 
> Also this chapter is dedicated to **hine6** who wrote me a goddamn novel about her Shitty Week and I'm honestly floored that you chose me to share that with. I hope you like this chapter, sweetheart, and I hope you feel better <3
> 
> There's only one new user name but it's super obvious so if you don't guess that, that's your personal problem.  
> (There's still a guide in the notes at the end though, if you hate surprises ;D )
> 
> HAVE FUN

**From** : Weasley, Percy

 **To** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **Sent** : 7:53 am

 **Subject** : Daily Agenda

Good Morning Minister Fudge.

I trust you had an enjoyable weekend.

Today’s schedule includes the following meetings and appointments:

9am: Debriefing of the department heads i.r.t. last Wednesday’s meeting with the muggle prime minister

10:15am: Meeting with Mrs. Wallory (Head of Dep. of Finances) regarding the cut of the Hogwarts budget

10:45am: Meeting with the Hogwarts Board of Governors regarding the increase of the Hogwarts budget

11:30am: Call with French Minister LaBlanche regarding the trade negotiations on rare potions ingredients

12:30pm: lunch with Mrs. Bones (Head of the DLME)

1pm: [private] weekly chess game with Lord Mallory [note: this is not the husband of Mrs. Wallory. DO NOT mention Hogwarts, his son has been fired as the DADA teacher around Yule.]

3pm: Meeting with Mr. Lennards (Head of Dep. of Security), Ms. Williams (Director of Warding, Dep. Of Sec.) and Mr. Hirsch (Warding, Dep. of Sec.) regarding the scheduled update of the anti-apparition wards

4:30pm: [private] Call with your wife regarding the fact that you need to schedule calls to speak with your wife

5pm: end of day

As usual, you can find all necessary information and notes for your meetings in a folder on your desk.

Best regards,

Percy Weasley

Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic

Memo #23

 

 

**Incoming Call…**

**< <<** This is Percy Weasley, Undersecretary of the Minister speaking.

 **> >>** Is he there yet?

 **< <<** …

 **> >>** Come on, Perce, is he there yet??

 **< <<** No, Michael, he isn’t. I’m sure he’ll be in soon.

 **> >>** Ten galleons that he’ll send you a sick memo in the next… thirty minutes.

 **< <<** Michael, I’m the US, I can’t make bets like that.

 **> >>** Yeah right. Sooooo?

 **< <<** … Ten galleons on twenty minutes.

 **> >>** Deal!

 **> >> **Hey, so, did you meet _Oliver_ last weekend?

 **< <<** Goodbye, Michael.

 **> >>** Oh, come o-

**Call ended.**

 

 

**Incoming Call…**

**< <<** This is Percy Weasley, Undersecretary of the Minister speaking.

 **> >>** Is he there yet?

 **< << **I’m afraid he hasn’t yet arrived at his office, Mrs. Fudge.

 **> >>** Hmpf.

 **> >> **Well he left fifteen minutes ago. Tell him to call me as soon as possible.

 **< <<** Yes, Mrs. Fudge.

 **> >> **It is very important that he calls me, Mr. Weasley. We need to decide on the new colour for the kitchen by noon tomorrow, the design witch from Magical Makeover cannot make it on any other day.

 **< << **Yes, Mrs. Fudge.

 **> >>** Yes. So you’ll tell him to call me, right? Is he there yet?

 **< << **Yes, Mrs. Fudge. No, Mrs. Fudge.

 **> >> **Hmpf.

**Call ended.**

 

 

_Note to myself:_

  * _Find way to hang up on Mrs. F before she can hang up on me_
  * _Buy peanut butter_



 

 **From** : Bones, Amelia

 **To** : Weasley, Percy

 **Sent** : 8:09 am

 **Subject** : RE: Wizengamot Session June 18th protocol notes

Good Morning Mr. Weasley,

As usual, thank you for the quick completion of the protocol notes. Let’s hope the gents and ladies learn to talk less and listen more for the next one, but I’ve been hoping for that since I’ve started working for the ministry.

I hereby confirm that the notes are accurate and complete, and that they can be given to the archive.

Now, I’ve just noticed that my assistant has scheduled lunch for me with Fudge. Since it’s Monday, can I assume that I can cancel the lunch?

Best,

Amelia Bones

Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

Memo #5

 

 

 **From** : Weasley, Percy

 **To** : Bones, Amelia

 **Sent** : 8:11 am

 **Subject** : RE: RE: Wizengamot Session June 18th protocol notes

Good Morning Mrs. Bones,

I am afraid the esteemed members of the Wizengamot love nothing more than the sound of their own voice. I have adapted and am now using two quick-notes quills.

Thank you for the clearance of the protocol notes.

I would indeed suggest making new plans for lunch.

Best,

Percy Weasley

Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic

Memo #23

 

 

 **From** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **To** : Weasley, Percy

 **Sent** : 8:15 am

 **Subject** : sick note

Wes,

I am quite ill and won’t be able to come into office before lunch. I trust you can attend the meetings in my stead.

Minister Fudge

Minister of Magic

Memo #1

 

 

**Memo to #147**

He sent a note at 8:15. Barely over twenty minutes, but I am a man of my word. I’ll transfer the galleons after lunch.

Also, have I mentioned that Fudge has been calling me by my first name lately? To appear nicer, I assume. Unfortunately, he thinks my first name is ‘Wes’.

Percy

 

 

**Memo to #23**

Fudge, my man!! Niceeee.

So, Minister Wes, what’s your first meeting today? You know, I think I read an article in the _Hier et Aujourd’hui_ about the progressiveness of Britain and how we have such a young minister. I don’t think they’ve seen Fudge once in the last year.

Mike

 

 

**Outgoing call…**

**> >> **Hello?

 **< <<** Hello Mrs. Fudge, this is Percy Weasley speaking. Your husband has mailed me, saying that he won’t come into office before lunch as he feels quite sick. You mentioned that he’s left already, so I assume he has returned to you safely?

 **> >>** What? No, I mean – he told you he’s sick? But he didn’t…

 **< <<** I’m sure everything is fine, I just wanted to make sure of it. Maybe you could use a _Point Me_ or something similar to find him?

 **> >>** Oh, yes… I suppose. I mean –

 **< <<** Splendid, Mrs. Fudge. I’m afraid my first meeting starts in five minutes, but I’m sure we’ll soon hear from each other again.

 **> >>** Eh, yes, I just –

 **< <<** Great. Goodbye Mrs. Fudge.

**Call ended**

 

_Note to myself:_

  * _~~Find way to hang up on Mrs. F before she can hang up on me~~_
  * _Buy peanut butter_
  * _Give Michael 10G_
  * _Stop trying to impulsively break up marriages_



 

**Memo to #147**

  * Doing all the work of the minister? Check.
  * Being seen as the head of the government by foreign dignities? Check.
  * Earning a salary comparable to the actual minister? _E t e r n a l  S i l e n c e_



Overworked and Underpaid, Percy

 

 

 **Direct message** from **FightorFight** _to_ **PercyWeasleyUSM**

 **FightorFight** : ur user name is dumb change it

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : what do you want ginny

 **FightorFight** : can u ask oliver if he’s free to train this sat??

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : 1 ask him yourself

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : 2 you are at Hogwarts you aren’t allowed to leave

 **FightorFight** : 1 his contact got eliminated during The Great Purge™

 **FightorFight** : 2 that’s more like a suggestion isn’t it

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : 2 it really isn’t

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : 1 u dropped your phone again, ddint you

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : *didn’t

 **FightorFight** : 1 or MAYBE I realized that the number of phone contacts only symbolize artificial affection but no honest companionship and so I deleted all of them except for a few??????

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : u dropped it during quidditch practice?

 **FightorFight** : I dropped it during quidditch practice

 

 **From** : Weasley, Percy

 **To** : Wallory, Diane

 **Sent** : 8:43 am

 **Subject** : CANCELLED: Hogwarts budget cuts

Dear Mrs. Wallory,

Unfortunately, Minister Fudge will not be able to attend today’s meeting, nor the meeting with the Hogwarts Governors. As I will attend in his stead, I have looked through your suggestions as well as the Governors’ proposal and I believe that the demands of the Governors are well-reasoned.

Therefore, the meeting at 10:15am is not necessary anymore.

Thank you for your time and efforts, and if you have further need for discussion, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Percy Weasley

Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic

Memo #23

 

**Incoming Call**

**< <<** This is Percy Weasley, Undersecretary of the Minister speaking.

 **> >>** Hello dear, this is your mum speaking.

 **< <<** Hi, mum.

 **> >>** Did you have a nice weekend, dear?

 **< <<** Yes, mum.

 **> >>** Have you eaten breakfast?

 **< <<** … yes.

 **> >>** A piece of toast isn’t breakfast, Percy.

 **< <<** … I ate it with butter? There was tea?

 **> >>** Percy, really, I’m worried about you.

 **< << **I’m fine mum, I promise.

 **> >>** You work too much and you eat too little. Just like your father. Do you at least have someone to eat lunch with?

 **< <<** I’m busy, mum, I’ll just get a sandwich or something –

 **> >>** If you didn’t have a good breakfast, you should at least have a rich lunch, Percy. Please take care of yourself.

 **< <<** I have to take care of the ministry first.

 **> >>** That’s the job of the minister.

 **< <<** Everywhere but on paper, _I am the minister._

 **> >>** Even the minister needs time to eat. It’s all Fudge does these days. Why don’t you ask your young man, hm? I’m sure he’ll be happy to eat lunch with you.

 **< <<** Mum, I don’t have ‘a young man’.

 **> >>** Oh yes, and who’s Oliver supposed to be?

 **< <<** Muuuuuum…

 **> >> **Really, Percy, you should just allow that poor boy to take you out on a date.

 **< <<** He doesn’t want that mum, we are just friends.

 **> >>** You can keep telling yourself that, but when you worried about appearing biased regarding the vote on those weird Quidditch regulations because you are friends with him, you remember, and he offered to quit his team for you, well that was basically him telling you he would die for you because of a mild inconvenience.

 **< <<** …

 **> >>** …

 **< <<** Ok, bye mum.

 **> >>** Don’t forget to eat!!

<<< Yes mum, love you, bye.

**Call ended.**

 

 

 **From** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **To** : Weasley, Percy

 **Sent** : 10:24 am

 **Subject** : RE: Daily Agenda

Wes,

I don’t remember the meeting with the prime minister. Are you mixing something up there?

P.S.: If my wife calls, tell her I’m in the office.

Minister Fudge

Minister of Magic

Memo #1

 

 

**Redheads and Harry Groupchat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** : so hypothetically

 **Gred** : ??????

 **Feorge** : is this real life??

 **Gred** : is this just fantasy?????

 **CannonBALLS** : merlin, percy, what happened to you

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : t e c h n i c a l l y

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : if I was like 67% sure that the minister is cheating on his wife, should I tell her?

 **FightorFight** : asasdaldhaldcadf

 **ILivedBitch** : PERCY O M G

 **Will.I.Am.** : tell us your thought process behind the 67%

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : well, he tells her that he’s in the office and he tells me that he’s sick. So that’s a point for cheating. But he’s also really stupid and would have been caught months ago if he had an affair

 **Gred** : that’s a good point against the cheating

 **Feorge** : he really is quite stupid

 **FightorFight** : tell her, she deserves to know

 **Will.I.Am.** : but what if it’s wrong??

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : hold up

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : kay so she just called me  a g a i n  and this is wild, she tracked him down and he’s just hanging out in this dirty bar making bets on flobberworm races

 **ILivedBitch** : …

 **ILivedBitch** : now we don’t have time to unpack all thAT

 **FightorFight** : what a complete loser

 

 

 **From** : Weasley, Percy

 **To** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **Sent** : 10:32 am

 **Subject** : RE: RE: Daily Agenda

Dear Mr. Fudge,

The meeting with the prime minister took place last week Wednesday at 3pm. Unfortunately, your afternoon tea with Secretary Moncreaux took place at the same time, and therefore I met with the prime minister on my own. I’ve given you the protocol of the meeting on last Friday.

Percy Weasley

Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic

Memo #23

 

 

**Redheads and Harry Groupchat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** : also, hypothetically

 **CannonBALLS** : you are on a roll today, perce, wow

 **Feorge:** hit us, Fergie

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : if I maybe had the power to increase the Hogwarts budget, what do you believe needs the most additional funding?

 **ILivedBitch** : wait a sec

 **FightorFight** : BROOMS

 **ILivedBitch** : lol dad literally said ‘don’t play with my heart like that’ and when I told him I’m serious he took out a pre-written list

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : send me a pic?

 **ILivedBitch** : no, draco will get jealous

 **CannonBALLS** : merlin, harry, no

 **CannonBALLS** : ew

 **ILivedBitch** : my genius is so unappreciated

 **ILivedBitch** _has posted a picture to the chat_

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : why are teacher’s salaries so low on the list?? I’ll move that up

 **ILivedBitch** : dad said and I quote ‘he was always my favourite weasley’

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : well that’s rude

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : u should be his favourite

 **ILivedBitch** : no, percy, he was talking about weasleys

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I said what I said

 **Gred** : damn

 **Gred** : sometimes, percy, I see why mum and dad kept you

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : thank you

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : can’t say the same, but the sentiment is appreciated

 

 

**Memo to #23**

  * Doing all the work of the minister? Check.
  * Being seen as the head of the government by foreign dignities? Check.
  * Earning a salary comparable to the actual minister?  _E t e r n a l  S i l e n c e_



Overworked and ~~Underpaid~~ , Percy

                            ^ _Underfucked_

  _Get yourself a man, Percy!!_

Mike

 

 

 **From** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **To** : Weasley, Percy

 **Sent** : 10:37 am

 **Subject** : RE: RE: RE: Daily Agenda

Oh right. Well then, good thing you went to the meeting this morning. I am afraid I will also not make it to lunch, so cancel my appointment with Amelia. I will go to the 1pm meeting, as I have quite a few important things to discuss with Lord Wallory, but maybe you should go to the meeting at 3pm as I’m not sure how long the appointment with Lord Wallory will take.

Minister Fudge

Minister of Magic

Memo #1

 

 

 **From** : Weasley, Percy

 **To** : Fudge, Cornelius

 **Sent** : 10:38 am

 **Subject** : RE: RE: RE: RE: Daily Agenda

Sir, I'm begging you, please remember that his name is Lord  **Mallory**.  **M!**

Percy Weasley

Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic

Memo #23

 

 

**Incoming Call _[call from abroad, please press # to accept]_ …**

**< <<** British Ministry of Magic, this is Undersecretary Percy Weasley speaking.

 **> >>** Ah, Minister Weasley, so nice to talk to you again.

 **< << **Madame LaBlanche, the pleasure is all mine. But, ehm, I am afraid there was a bit of a misunderstanding. I am the _undersecretary_ so –

 **> >>** Oh, excusé moi? Oh, I am, common on dit, _very sorry_ , but my English iz très not good. I do not underztand, Monsieur Weasley.

 **< <<** Madame LaBlanche, I am well aware that you speak flawless English, and you _know_ Minister Fudge –

 **> >>** Oh, fudge iz like, qu’est-ce que cette mot, chocolate, no? Fudge? Oui, oui, I know. I am not, how say, _a fan_. Now, regarding the shipments of basilisk skin, Minister, I am quite willing to work with you on the re-drafting of paragraph 34, but surely you can see that –

 

 

 **From** : Wallory, Diane

 **To** : Weasley, Percy

 **Sent** : 12:28pm

 **Subject** : RE: CANCELLED: Hogwarts budget cuts

Dear Mr. Weasley,

THANK YOU

I have been trying to convince the Minister that further cuts into the Hogwarts budget would indeed _not benefit our economy_ (EDUCATION IS THE BEST INVESTMENT), but he just **wouldn’t listen**.

I already received a call from Lord Malfoy, he was very pleased about your meeting with the governors.

**BEST**

Diane Wallory

Head of the Department of Finance

Memo #7

 

 

_Note to myself:_

  * _~~Find way to hang up on Mrs. F before she can hang up on me~~_
  * _Buy peanut butter_
  * _~~Give Michael 10G~~_
  * _Stop trying to impulsively break up marriages_
  * _Never get invited to lunch with Mrs. Wallory – she writes emails like great-aunts talk after two glasses of firewhiskey_
  * _Buy milk_



 

**Incoming Call…**

**< << **Undersecretary Weasley.

 **> >>** Mr. Weasley, this is Fiona Farringher speaking, from the Department of Family Affairs.

 **< <<** Not again.

 **> >>** I’m afraid so, Mr. Weasley.

 **< <<** What is it this time?

 **> >>** Your brother applied to have his legal name changed to ‘the OG mother of dragons’.

 **< <<** What is wrong with the name ‘Charlie’?? It’s perfectly fine.

 **> >>** Yes, Mr. Weasley.

 **< <<** … did he fill out the paperwork correctly this time?

 **> >>** … yes, Mr. Weasley.

 **< <<** Send him a notice of approval.

 **> >>** I – excuse me?

 **< <<** A notice of approval. But for the sake of merlin, Do. Not. Actually. Approve. This.

 **> >> **Ah. I understand. Of course, Mr. Weasley, it will be done. He’ll get the notice of approval within the next hour.

 **< <<** Perfect, thank you, Ms. Farringher.

 **> >>** You’re welcome, Mr. Weasley.

**Call ended.**

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **PercyWeasleyUSM** _to_ **CaptnWood**

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : get Chinese for lunch

 **CaptnWood** : oh, so it is A Day, huh?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : it sure is

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : meet up at my flat?

 

**Incoming Call…**

**1 Missed Call**   _from_ **Charlie Weasley**

**CaptnWood** : sure

 **CaptnWood** : u know some of my teammates think I’m cheating on you bc we meet up in secret so often and they think I'm meeting someone else

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : they don’t even know we are together, how could you be cheating on me??

 **CaptnWood** : just like on a general level, u know

 **CaptnWood** : they think we belong together

 

**Incoming Call…**

**2 Missed Calls**   _from_   **Charlie Weasley**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** : well, they’re right

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : but we can’t tell anyone until July 2nd after 4pm

 **CaptnWood** : I still cant believe you’re betting on your own relationship

 **CaptnWood** : how did u manage to convince harry to help you again?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : he was pissed that everyone betted on him and draco

 **CaptnWood** : ah

 **CaptnWood** : good for him

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : good for us u mean

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I need to finish up smth real quick and then I’ll head home, alright?

 **CaptnWood** : ok c u in a bit <3

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : <3

 

 

**Incoming Call…**

**< << ** Percy Weas –

 **> >> **WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS APPROVED?????

 **< << **There’s no need to yell, surly.

 **> >>** MUM WILL KILL ME, PERCY!!!

 **< << **Well, well, well…

 **> >>** Percyyyyyy…!

 **< << **If it aren’t the consequences of your own action.

 **> >>** Please, Percy!

 **< <<** Good luck and may the odds ever be in your favour, _OG mother of dragons_.

 **> >>** Perc –

**Call ended.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **User namessssss**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Will.I.Am – Bill W.  
> DragonsThough – Charlie W.  
> PercyWeasleyUSM – Percy W.  
> Gred/Feorge – either Fred or George, they switch user names about every second week  
> CannonBALLS – Ron W.  
> FightorFight – Ginny W.
> 
> ILivedBitch – Harry <3  
> CaptnWood - Oliver Wood
> 
> Yeah so that all happened.  
> I hope you enjoyed it although it's quite different from the other chapters. 
> 
> Now, as for the sad news. My people, my folks, the next update will sadly be only in two weeks, so Wed. 4th of July (wait isn't that Murica Day. You know, the bday of Captn America?). I'm really sorry about that, but I've been drowing in work and I haven't been able to write up new chapters, so I have to give myself some time to stock up again.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS. I enjoy reading them so much, you wouldn't believe it. Keep them coming, folks. As usual, if you liked this but can't think of anything to say, just C&P "Percy Weasley for Minister 2020" and I'll know you liked it :D
> 
> See ya,  
> Sky


	5. Please Give Feedback :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Cassandra:** this is it  
>  **Cassandra:** anarchy  
>  **Cassandra:** finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative summary:  
> Teachers: no fear  
> Parents: *exist*  
> Teachers: one (1) fear
> 
> Thank you all for your patience and your comments (I'll answer them tomorrow I swear)!! I still can't believe how many people enjoy this silly piece, and at the same time, I can't believe how emotionally invested I am in these characters.
> 
> This is a shorter chapter, sorry about that. It's also not proof-read because I'm professional like that. As predicted, my work place has decided that days after days of 36+°C summer heat was the perfect opportunity to bury me in stuff to do. Great times.
> 
> Anyway, here's a refresher on the teacher's user names:
> 
> TEACHERS  
> Snape: TheNight  
> Remus: TheMoon  
> Minnie: CatsDoItBetter  
> Flitwick: Gringgods  
> Sprout: Plant-Mom  
> Dumbles: Lemonade  
> Trelawny: Cassandra  
> Pomfrey: random appointments  
> Sinistra: Horrorscopes
> 
> ALSO THERE  
> Sirius: TheStars
> 
> Enjoy!

**Tired™ Group chat**

**Lemonade:** there comes a time in life, where we all have to ask ourselves: how far are we willing to go?

 **Lemonade:** what else can we do to honour this time on earth granted to us?

 **Lemonade:** how can we of service to our students

 **Lemonade:** I would like all of you to always keep this in mind

 **TheNight:** don’t even try old man

 **TheNight:** u fucked up

 **CatsDoItBetter:** language, severus

 **CatsDoItBetter:** but really, albus, what were you thinking??

 **TheNight:** _@CatsDoItBetter_ ur not my mom

 **Lemonade:** I just thought it would be neat

 **Gringgods:** contact with The Parents™ is never // n e a t //

 **Plant-Mom:** not even I have enough patience for some of them

 **TheStars:** ok what is going on???

 **TheStars:** what did I miss???

 **Horrorscopes:** why is black even in this chat, this is only for teachers?

 **CatsDoItBetter:** he attends all the staff meetings as well, it just makes sense

 **Horrorscopes:** as a dog, though.

 **Horrorscopes:** he literally just walks in, turns into a dog and falls asleep in front of the fireplace

 **Plant-Mom:** god, I wish that was me

 **Plant-Mom:** #lifegoals tbh

 **Cassandra:** I do agree with septima, black does not exactly count as a staff member based on his contribution, does he?

 **TheNight:** those were a lot of long, complicated words, are you feeling alright, Sybil?

 **Gringgods:** I mean he basically contributes as much as Cuthbert at this point

 **Gringgods:**  and Cuthbert is a teacher. On the payroll.

 **TheStars:** wait who is “Cuthbert”?? sounds like a fake name to me

 **CatsDoItBetter:** that’s professor binns, Sirius, really. Show some respect

 **CatsDoItBetter:**  wait, filius, what do you mean “Cuthbert is on the payroll.” He’s a ghost!

 **Lemonade:**  *gasp*

 **Lemonade:** you can’t say that, Minnie, he’s sensitive about that!

 **TheMoon:** I say Sirius can stay in the group chat

 **TheStars:**  my love, my knight in shining armour, waking up from his afternoon nap to defend my honour <3 <3 >3

 **TheStars** : wait I fucked the last one up

 **TheMoon:** he’s basically a mascot, isn’t he?

 **Horrorscopes:** hm good point

 **TheStars:** BETRAYAL

 **TheStars:** SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

 **TheNight:** merlin, mutt, no

 **TheStars:** AND YOU’RE TO BLAME

 **TheStars:** YOU GIVE LOVE

 **Plant-Mom:** dum-dum-dum

 **TheStars:** A BAD NAME

 **Gringgods:** By Heartaxe, even I heard Sirius’ off-key singing and my office in nowhere near the dungeons.

 **TheMoon:** forgive me, love

 **TheStars:** no

 **TheStars:** you don’t deserve correctly typed hearts

 **Horrorscopes:** wow that’s brutal

 **Cassandra:** I am sorry to interrupt, I have foreseen all this drama and therefore I am already tired of it

 **NoCheckUpsINeedAVacation:** wow, Sybil, that was a legit burn

 **NoCheckUpsINeedAVacation:** anyone need some salve for that?

 **Cassandra:** I as well do not know exactly what albus has done, so could someone please explain?

 **TheNight:** what, you didn’t ~~~ foresee ~~~ it?

 **Cassandra:** albus is a chaotic cryptid, his actions can’t be predicted

 **TheNight:** that’s… fair, I guess

 **CatsDoItBetter:** to answer the question: albus has agreed that the head of houses have to send an “end of term” feedback/evaluation to the parents.

 **TheNight:** there are over seventy students in slytherin, how am I supposed to find enough motivation in my dark, cold soul to write a feedback about all of them???

 **TheMoon:** u keep a spreadsheet about every single of your students, severus

 **TheNight:** …

 **TheNight:** for blackmail purposes

 **CatsDoItBetter:** pls tell me you are joking

 **TheNight:** …

 **TheNight:** :)

 **Horrorscopes:** can I ask a question

 **Lemonade:** please, proceed

 **Horrorscopes:** how is it that this is THE FIRST YEAR since Harry Potter started to attend the school with NO DISASTERS happening, and / t h i s // is the year we have decided that maybe, keeping the parents updated is a good idea?

 **Lemonade:** question denied

 **Plant-Mom:** albus! Democracy! We have rights!

 **Lemonade:** u all have the right to remain silent and do what you are told

 **Lemonade:** peace and out

**Lemonade** _left the group chat_

**Cassandra:** this is it

 **Cassandra:** anarchy

 **Cassandra:** finally

 **TheStars:** … so…?

 **CatsDoItBetter:** I guess we’ll have to do it anyway

 **CatsDoItBetter:** albus promised the minister to do this, and we don’t want to upset percy, do we?

 **Horrorscopes:** u mean fudge

 **CatsDoItBetter:** sure I guess

 **TheNight:** wait

 **TheNight:** the head of houses need to write the parents

 **TheNight:** I am Theo’s head of house. I’m also his father

 **TheNight:**????

 **CatsDoItBetter:** I guess you just have to write yourself then

 **TheNight:** this is easily one of the most stupid things I was ever forced to do

**From** : Snape, Severus

 **To** : Snape, Severus

 **Sent** : 8:17 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Potions Master Snape,

I am writing to you in regards to the performance of your son, Theodore Snape, in his sixth year at Hogwarts.

Your son is great and he has never done anything wrong in his life ever.

Best regards,

 

Professor Severus Snape

Potions Master

Head of House Slytherin

Hogwarts School

 

 

 **From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Granger, Helen; Granger, Aaron

 **Sent** : 8:15 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Dr. and Dr. Granger

As Ms. Granger’s Head of House, I am writing you in regards to her feedback for this school year. Hogwarts has decided to introduce this evaluation as a method to increase transparency of the education system and your daughter’s development.

I am delighted to inform you that Ms. Granger continues to excel in her studies. Most notably, she has:

  * Received the best grades out of all students of her year.
  * Proven her natural talent of leadership and a keen sense of responsibility in her fulfilment of tasks in her role as _Prefect_.
  * Been a very good influence on the other students around her. 
    * _Note: this is a very subjective point, but I consider the fact that her best friends, Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley have lived to see this summer in good health to great parts an accomplishment of your daughter._



Your daughter truly is a delightful student to teach, and she will have every career path open to her after the finishes her last school year.

Best,

 

Professor Minerva McGonagall

Transfiguration Master

Head of House Gryffindor

Hogwarts School

 

**From** : Snape, Severus

 **To** : Snape, Severus

 **Sent** : 8:18 am

 **Subject** : RE: Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Professor Snape,

Thank you for your very accurate evaluation. I knew that already, but it’s nice to hear.

I’m sure Theo’s excellent development is very much thanks to your immeasurable efforts as both his teacher and his Head of House.

Best regards,

 

Severus Snape

Potions Master

 

 

 **From** : Sprout, Pomona

 **To** : Smith, Hestia; Smith, Ornellus

 **Sent** : 8:22 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Lord Smith,

Dear Lady Smith,

Please do not further reproduce.

Best regards,

 

Professor Pomona Sprout

Herbology Master

Head of House Hufflepuff

Hogwarts School

 

 

 **From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Weasley, Molly and Arthur

 **Sent** : 8:25 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Molly, dear Arthur

Ginny is the last one, yes?

No more after that?

I’ll be honest: Ron has made incredible progress since he was late for his very first lesson with me back in 1991. He has developed into a (sometimes) thoughtful, (occasionally) driven, young man, and he’ll make something out of himself.

Just… just tell him to hold on to Ms. Granger, yes? And for Merlin’s sake, stop forcing the boy to take Potions, you’re making both him and Severus miserable. Ron doesn’t even want to be an Auror anymore, though I’m not sure “Professional Memer Hell Yeah” is an acceptable alternative.

Best,

 

Minerva

 

**From** : Snape, Severus

 **To** : Malfoy, Narcissa; Malfoy, Lucius

 **Sent** : 8:27 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Cissa, dear Lucius

Your son is a menace, I don’t remember why I like him half of the time. He’ll succeed in everything he wants to succeed in, and the only reason he has the second best grades out of his whole year is because Ms. Granger is an outlier and shouldn’t be counted.

Best,

 

Severus

 

 

 **From** : Flitwick, Filius

 **To** : Lovegood, Xenophilius

 **Sent** : 8:31 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Xenophilius,

Your daughter is a delight and I’m sure she’ll make her way. She’s more in tune with magic than anyone else I know.

Wish I would understand what she’s talking about one day.

Best regards,

 

Professor Filius Flitwick

Charms Master

Head of House Ravenclaw

Hogwarts School

 

 

 **From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Weasley, Molly and Arthur

 **Sent** : 8:25 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Molly, dear Arthur

Again: Ginny is the last one, yes?

Your daughter is terrifyingly competent with hexes, and she’ll either be a professional Quidditch player or take over the world.

Let’s pray that it’s the first one.

Best,

 

Minerva

 

**From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Snape, Severus

 **Cc:** Lupin, Remus; Black, Sirius

 **Sent** : 8:50 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Severus,

As Harry’s Head of House, I am writing you in regards to his feedback (because he’s a Gryffindor).

Your son:

  * Was not involved in any life-threatening adventure this school year. This is a vast improvement compared to the years before.
  * Was in the hospital wing for a total of ten days. This is a decrease of 59% compared to the average of the years before, a most pleasing development. 
    * _Note: Nevertheless, I would be glad if you could enforce the importance of staying healthy in his mind. Though the relationship with Mr. Malfoy seems to already help quite a bit, Harry’s nature as A True Gryffindor encourages reckless behaviour._
  * His grades are good, but you knew that. He could easily be among the top 5 students of his year, but since he lacks a certain drive of ambition (he simply isn’t a Slytherin), he seems to be content with an “E” in many classes. 
    * _Miraculously, his grades in Potions have much improved. No comment._
  * Please do something about the fact that he continues to be unaware that his magical powers are very much above average. In his last Charms class he overpowered a _Patronus_ charm and accidentally blinded ten student. Filius cried, Severus. (Because of happiness, not because he was blinded as well.) 
    * He turned his toy dragon into a living, breathing, sentient creature, **_how_** does he not understand how powerful he is???



Best,

 

Professor Minerva McGonagall

Transfiguration Master

Head of House Gryffindor (because your son is a Gryffindor)

Hogwarts School

 

**From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Finnigan, Larissa; Finnigan, Brian

 **Sent** : 9:14 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Mrs. and Mr. Finnigan

As Mr. Seamus Finnigan’s Head of House, I am writing you in regards to his feedback for this school year. Hogwarts has decided to introduce this evaluation as a method to increase transparency of the education system and your son’s development.

I am delighted to inform you that there has been a vast improvement in your son’s behaviour. He has set his wand on fire only twice (2), has exploded only five (5) cauldrons, and has set fire only to one (1) giant bonfire (with permission of the Hogwarts staff).

Compared to the last few years, this gives me hope for all of us.

Please do consider testing your son for Elemental magic abilities. I do not think it is necessary to mention which element affinity I believe he has.

Best,

 

Professor Minerva McGonagall

Transfiguration Master

Head of House Gryffindor

Hogwarts School

**From** : Snape, Severus

 **To** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **Sent** : 9:57 am

 **Subject** : RE: Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Minerva,

Nice try, but given the fact that I somehow continue to tolerate the presence of two Gryffindors in my bedroom, the fact that I have a Gryffindor son doesn’t faze me anymore.

The universe may think it played me, but I changed the rules of the game and have become invincible.

Severus

 

P.S.: Regarding Harry’s powers – I’m trying, Minerva, I really am. Yesterday he apparated through the anti-apparation wards at Grimmauld Place (you know, the ones _Albus_ put up last summer??) and when we asked him how he did it, he just said that Dobby (the house elf, the one with the cookies) had taught him. Apparently, he can apparate at Hogwarts too. He thought everyone else thought it was impossible because they didn’t ask a house elf to teach them. As if it was possible for us mere mortals to learn to copy house elf magic!!! He didn’t think it was anything special, I believe his actual words were “What? Like, it’s hard?”

Please, Minerva, you’re my only hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter - I was just happy I was able to update on time ^^'
> 
> Thank your for being patient with me, and for all your comments and kudos! As always, if you liked this chapter but don't know what to say, just leave a quick "Teachers Deserve Better tbh" and I'll know you liked it ;)
> 
>  **ALSO**  
>  I am working on ~~way too many WIPs~~ a Tomarry Chaptered Story, and I'm looking for a beta reader. If you are interested in that, contact me on my [tumblr](https://phoenix-skies.tumblr.com/), or leave a comment here!
> 
> See y'all next week!  
> Sky


	6. Questions and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Gred** : at some point percy got cooler than all of us  
>  **Gred** : I regret allowing things to get to that point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll answer your comments on Thursday" I say
> 
> *insert John Mulaney gif here* 
> 
> AND THEN I DIDN'T!!!!
> 
> I'm sorry I'm so useless, my people. I'll get to it, I swear!!!! I'm currently on a work trip, but I'll go back home tomorrow by train, so I'll have time to answer your comments then! This isn't proofread at all (honestly, what do you expect at this point?? Time managment? Me? Don't make me laugh.)
> 
> Also shoutout to **Piarelei** because 1. your comments are GREAT (I'm not letting you win, btw, _I'll get to answering the comments_ ), but more importantly, 2. YOU NOTICED I FUCKED UP. Fucking Ron mentions Percy and Oliver being together in the Meme Fic Part 1 (honestly, how is this my life), and I forgot about that. I'll correct that at one point... soon... for now, just know that yes, Ron knows, and yes, he accidentally spilled the tea in the Gryff/Slyth chat, but he also somehow kept them all quiet. So yeah, thank you!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, this chapter includes:  
> \- some more awesome percy (how did this character happen???? *looks at own hands* how are u this way?  
> \- Chaotic!Ginny and Supportive!Luna  
> \- Harry and Draco being absolutely ridiculous  
> \- Oliver being a Walking Meme  
> \- A bonus ;)
> 
> I'm too lazy to give u a username guide. You know these names, don't lie to yourself.  
> ENJOY :D

 

**The Burrow Group chat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** : hey mum?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : do we have an extra seat free next Sunday dinner?

 **MrsW** : oh dear

 **MrsW** : percy, is this… are you bringing someone with you?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : yes

 **MrsW** : well we would love to have oliver

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : actually, I’m talking about Mike

 **Feorge** : eho tf is MIKE????

 **FightorFight** : are u fucking kidding me percy

 **MrsW** : ah but percy, I thought you and oliver have become quite close?

 **DragonsThough** : “””mike”””

 **DragonsThough** : sounds like a made up name to me

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : its literally the shortened form of Michael

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : Michael is a friend from the ministry

 **MrsW** : well… I’m sure he’s lovely… how is oliver these days?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : he’s fine?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : anyway we’ll be there on Sunday at around 1pm I think

 **Will.I.Am** : I feel like only read the first few pages of a book and then skipped to the end and missed like four plot twists

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I’ve talked about mike before ???

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : why are u all making such a fuss about this

 **CannonBALLS** : merlin, u all are hopeless

 **CannonBALLS** : hey _@PercyWeasleyUSM_ how is mike’s girlfriend btw?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : oh she’s great

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : but she’s also ehm… a bit… well, furious with mike

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : so I offered him asylum with us

 **Gred** : oooohhhhh

 **Feorge** : ooOOOHHHH

 **MrsW** : oh percy, of course your friend can join us!!

 **MrsW** : what is his favourite food? I do hope he like treacle tart, because Harry is joining as well and I won’t deny him his favourite food

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : mike eats literally anything

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **FightorFight** _to_ **Luna**

 **FightorFight** : do u think trees have feelings

 **Luna** : oh ginny what a silly question

 **Luna** : of course they do

 **FightorFight** : neat

 **FightorFight** : do u want to meet up tmrrw and find a really aggressive tree and then convince it to donate some wood to me so I can make it into a broom??

 **FightorFight** : I feel like my angry flying could be even more angry if, you know, my broom is angry too

 **Luna** : what an inspired thought

 **Luna** : I will absolutely go on this quest with you

 **FightorFight** : great

 **FightorFight** : we also have to write mcG and tell her how I will obviously take over the world WITH my quidditch career

 **FightorFight** : this is a two-step-operation and I’m honestly getting upset that no one realizes it

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **BlondBitch**

 **ILivedBitch** : ok what about horse racing

 **BlondBitch** : ???

 **BlondBitch** : is that another thing muggles do

 **BlondBitch** : what are they trying to do, run faster than the horses??

 **ILivedBitch** : wait does horse racing not exist in the wizard world

 **ILivedBitch** : muggles ride the horses, obviously. And the fastest one wins

 **ILivedBitch** : we could bet on a race and decide like that!

 **BlondBitch** : I’m pretty sure the centaurs filed a complaint about discrimination when the idea of hippogriff racing came up a few hundred years ago

 **BlondBitch** : so no, there’s no horse racing in our world

 **BlondBitch** : and also NO, harry, I won’t let this be decided by some dumb, racist muggle sport

 **BlondBitch** : just give in, by merlin

 **ILivedBitch** : draco, you can’t do this to me

 **ILivedBitch** : your mum terrifies me

 **BlondBitch** : oh yeah?

 **BlondBitch** : and u think I wouldn’t suffer at a Weasley Sunday Lunch™????

 **BlondBitch** : mrs w is terrifying enough, but there she’ll be close to the kitchen

 **ILivedBitch** : good??? That means there’ll be food??????

 **BlondBitch** : close to KNIVES

 **ILivedBitch** : listen draco, I won’t eat lunch at the manor before you ate lunch at the burrow

 **BlondBitch** : well it seems like we won’t eat anything then!

 **ILivedBitch** : fine!

 **BlondBitch** : fine!! Whatever!!

 **ILivedBitch** : …

 **ILivedBitch** : (are we still mad at each other?)

 **BlondBitch** : (it’s been almost two minutes that feels long enough?????)

 **ILivedBitch** : (ok great love you)

 **BlondBitch** : (love you too <3)

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **CannonBALLS** _to_ **PercyWeasleyUSM**

 **CannonBALLS** : how much longer are u going to pretend u aren’t dating oliver

 **CannonBALLS** : it’s getting difficult to bribe the other’s into silence

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : yes, well, if you hadn’t just blabbed it out to a bunch of slyths, you wouldn’t be in this situation right now, would you

 **CannonBALLS** : whatever

 **CannonBALLS** : so?

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I’m //this// close to winning the bet

 **CannonBALLS** : finally

 **CannonBALLS** : soon I will know peace

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **PercyWeasleyUSM** _to_ **CaptnWood**

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** :  hey

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : can u send me that kneazle video?

 **CaptnWood** : sure

 **CaptnWood** _sent a video_

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : …

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : um

 **CaptnWood** : ???

 **CaptnWood** : wAI>T

 **CaptnWood** : no no no

 **CaptnWood** : WRONG VIDEO

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : why is there a video of you completely drunk, telling me that your name is “Oll-Olli-Oliiiiveeer” and you have a quidditch game tomorrow?

 **CaptnWood** : FUCKC

 **CaptnWood** : because I have asshole friends that’s why

 **CaptnWood** : don’t you dare sent that to anyone percy

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : me?

 

 

**Readheads and Harry Group chat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** _sent a video_

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : you’re welcome

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **PercyWeasleyUSM** _to_ **CaptnWood**

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : never

 **CaptnWood** : there was a suspicious amount of time between those two texts

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : :)

 **CaptnWood** : GINNY SENT ME A VIDEO OF HERSELF JUST LAUGHING AT ME

 **CaptnWood** : you are the worst boyfriend

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : that sounds like a ‘you’ problem

 **CaptnWood** : im pretty sure it’s the opposite

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : u decided u wanted to date me in fifth year, when I was still pretentious know-it-all

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : now suffer the consequences

 **CaptnWood** : I still can’t believe u made me wait until you had a job in the ministry

 **CaptnWood** : cruelty, thy name is percy weasley

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : shut up u survived

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : and u know why

 **CaptnWood** : I do know

 **CaptnWood** : I love you and the way you make absolutely certain that all our expenses are covered by 50% of my and 50% of your vault

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : :)

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **BlondBitch** : HARRY WE ARE BOTH DUMB

 **ILivedBitch** : wow how dare u talk about my boyfriend like that

 **BlondBitch** : aw that’s sweet

 **BlondBitch** : anyway, it’s true tho, cause we forgot about your whole ass other family

 **BlondBitch** : let’s just eat lunch with your dads and theo, and I invite my parents and you invite the weasleys!!

 **ILivedBitch** : O M G

 **ILivedBitch** : draco, you are AMAZING

 **ILivedBitch** : why didn’t I think about this, im so dumb

 **BlondBitch** : hey :(

 **BlondBitch** : don’t talk about my boyfriend like that :( :(

 

 

 **From** : Vaughney, Lilia

 **To** : Potter, Harry

 **Sent** : 9:05 am

 **Subject** : Invitation to Radio Special

Dear Mr. Potter,

On behalf of all workers here at _Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic_ , we would like inform you that next month we will be doing a radio special on the topics of the education of muggleborns and their integration into our society.

For this special, we would like to offer you a slot in the show where you would (in form of a very casual interview) talk about your experience as a halfblood growing up without any knowledge of the magical world.

We would be incredibly honoured if you would consider joining our team!

Sincerely,

 

Lilia Vaughney

Radio Hostess

Magical Mondays

 

 

**The Burrow Group chat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** _sent a location_

 **Will.I.Am** : ???

 **MrW** : what’s this now, son

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : you are all invited to the housewarming party

 **Feorge** : ????????

 **Gred** : is it allowed to burn stuff down??

 **Gred** : get it?

 **Gred** : cause it’s a houseWARMING party???

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : no, annoying twin #2

 **MrsW** : you are moving? Why didn’t you say anything, we could have helped you!

 **DragonsThough** : I looked the place up and it’s a bit large for a single person ??

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : ah yes, right

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I’m moving in with oliver

 **Gred** : !!!!!!!!!!!

 **Gred** : WHO WON

 **MrsW** : oh my dear, does this mean…?

 **Gred** : who TF won???

 **FightorFight** : are u finally admitting that he’s your boyfriend??

 **Gred** : PERCY FUCKING WON THAT ASSHOLE

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : don’t be silly, oliver isn’t my boyfriend

 **MrW** : you all lost me

 **Gred** : wat

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : he’s my fiancé :)

 **Feorge** : !!!!!

 **DragonsThough** : O M G

 **CannonBALLS** : wait when did this happen???

 **CannonBALLS** : I literally just said good bye to u guys five minutes ago and you were only boyfriends??

 **Gred** : _@CannonBALLS_ wait you knEW THE WHOLE TIME????

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : it happened – wait a second

 

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **CaptnWood** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **CaptnWood** : KASYLASBHADBAKSDLASDAJADHFNDLFNADJJJADBA

 **ILivedBitch** : new phone who dis

 

 

**The Burrow Group chat**

**PercyWeasleyUSM** : I knew I had forgotten something

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : ok, I just asked him, he knows now too

 **FightorFight** : wait you only now proposed???

 **FightorFight** : u just… asked him??? Nthing more??

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : obviously I waited until he was drinking something

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : it was very funny

 **Gred** : at some point percy got cooler than all of us

 **Gred** : I regret allowing things to get to that point

 **MrsW** : PERCY I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND OLIVER

 **MrsW** : I’ll have to start planning the wedding immediately!!!

 **MrW** : congratulations, son. We are both very happy.

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : thank you :)

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : _@FighorFight_ of course I just asked. It’s not like he’d say no

 **FightorFight** : how could u be so sure tho????

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : ginny

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I control the ministry

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : I thus also control the Department of Sports And Tourism

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : and with that I control the British quidditch regulations

 **PercyWeasleyUSM** : oliver wouldn’t  d a r e  to say no to me

 **FightorFight** : …

 **FightorFight** : I can’t believe I’m saying this

 **FightorFight** : but im honoured to be your sister

 

 

 **From** : Potter, Harry

 **To** : Vaughney, Lilia

 **Sent** : 10:35 am

 **Subject** : RE: Invitation to Radio Special

Dear Ms. (Mrs.?) Vaughney,

Thank you for your offer. I guess it would be for a good cause, so yes?

Can you send me the details?

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

 

 

**Modern Family (Cause Traditions Suck) Group chat**

**TheNight** : YOU DID WHAT

 **TheMoon** : I thought you dislike the press?? And being in the spotlight??

 **ILivedBitch** : BUT I DISLIKE DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE EVEN MORE

 **ILivedBitch** : I PANICKED OK

 **ILivedBitch** : can u just… write me a list of things I shouldn’t mention???

 **TheStars** : no one has time to write down your whole life, H

 **TheStars** : but don’t worry, we’ll help

 **ILivedBitch** : <3 <3

 

**BONUS:**

 

 **From** : McGonagall, Minerva

 **To** : Longbottom, Augusta

 **Sent** : 10:45 am

 **Subject** : Student evaluation – End of Term feedback 1996

Dear Augusta,

How are you?

This is just a formal matter, I will give you a more extensive report tomorrow night during our weekly Sherry Sunday.

Things Which Delight Me:

  * Neville has come very far in regards to his confidence and this continues to have a positive impact on his grades.
  * He is **still** taking potions and not failing. 
    * In fact, Severus has told me that Neville hasn’t blown up any cauldron in this school year!
  * He’s such a polite and nice young man.



 

Things Which Worry Me

  * Everyone who insults Blaise Zabini, your grandson’s significant other, suffers from asthma attacks henceforth. Augusta I can’t ignore that much longer.
  * Pomona says he shows an avid interest in taking up an internship in the Amazon rainforest??? Augusta, please talk to the boy. I can’t imagine why he would go there, there’s lots of rain here in Britain!
  * Neville keeps a pet devil’s snare in his school robes. 
    * Devil’s snare can choke people, Augusta.
    * How did he even train it????



 

Listen, this is the last one of these damn letters I had to send, I saved Neville’s year for the end because I _knew_ it would slowly drain my will to be a teacher, so let’s make it a Sherry Thursday, what do you say, old friend?

Best,

 

Minerva

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it!!!!
> 
> I need to sleep now, tomorrow we have a quite big event at work and I'm like... organizing the whole thing so... yay.
> 
> I love you all, you fill my heart with warmth and light with all your nice comments and kudos and aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh thank youuuuu!!!!! If you are like me and never know what to comment, sent me a quick "Drarry - dumb boyfriends since 1995" and I'll know that you liked it :D
> 
>  
> 
> See ya,  
> Sky


	7. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Stardust** : never in their whole existence have british people been known to express their feelings in an “enthusiastic” way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws this at your feet and crawls back into the cave of misery*
> 
> I'm so sorry wtf
> 
> also #tbt the last chapters: harry smh agreed to do a live interview on the radio bc he's a disaster like that (happy late b-day to my son btw) and harry and draco smh think inviting the malfoys, the weasleys and harry's new fam into one place at the same time is A Good Plan.

 

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**Spiderhuman** : howdy

 **Spiderhuman** : how the fuck is everyone of you losers doing

 **GossipQueen** : u say that as if you aren’t also A Giant Loser

 **Spiderhuman** : yea well, u made me this way

 **Spiderhuman** : I was at the top of the game and then I went to Hogwarts

 **Spiderhuman** : and now look at me

 **Spiderhuman** : surrounded by idiots, being an idiot

 **Knockyourwood** : D:

 **Spiderhuman** : not you, nev, you’re perfect

 **Knockyourwood** : :D

 **Stardust** : I’m great thanks for asking! :D

 **Stardust** : Parvati and I are visiting her parents and the rest of her family, and I have been called her “friend” only about 34 times till now.

 **Stardust** : and they have asked her ‘when she’s going to find a nice boyfriend’ only like 6 times

 **Stardust** : :) :) :)

 **Thefirstone** : it’s a fucking nightmare pls help us

 **CannonBALLS** : well that’s not groovy at all

 **CannonBALLS** : did u try the muggle method? Turning it off and on again?

 **Spiderhuman** : tf is happening to weasley

 **Thefirstone** : I can’t murder my family, ron

 **Thefirstone** : that’s illegal

 **Tiredofyourshit** : ron and I are visiting my family I’m so sorry everyone

 **Tiredofyourshit** : my dad convinced him that everyone talks like a fuck boi from the 80s im dying

 **AngryCat** : _@Tiredofyourshit_ that’s rough :/

 **Stardust** : necromancy is also u know…

 **Stardust** : pretty illegal

 **ILivedBitch** : I still think necromancy should be classified as really late healing

 **ILivedBitch** : I don’t see the problem

 **BlondBitch** : no

 **ILivedBitch** : I didn’t say I would do it!!

 **BlondBitch** : n o

 **ILivedBitch** : its just a  t h o u g h t, draco

 **ExcuseYOU** : _@Thefirstone @Stardust_ did u try making out in front of them

 **Stardust** : !!!

 **Stardust** : YES WE DID

 **Thefirstone** : oh circe here we go again

 **Stardust** : AND HER MUM SAID IT’S “SO AMAZING” HOW “FRIENDLY” EUROPEANS ARE

 **Stardust** : never in their whole existence have british people been known to express their feelings in an “enthusiastic” way

 **Stardust** : do we look like the French?????? NO

 **BlondBitch** : well

 **BlondBitch** : my family is originally from france

 **ILivedBitch** : that explains your skills in French kissing ;) ;) ;)

 **Fuckoffimreading** : u mean it explains him being A Fucking Drama Queen

 **BlondBitch** : THEO

 **BlondBitch** : MY SON

 **CannonBALLS** : isn’t he more like a brother in law now????

 **BlondBitch** : not yet and he’ll always be my son, fuck you very much

 **ExcuseYOU** : have are you Theo?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : im fine

 **BlondBitch** : harry, how is theo???

 **ILivedBitch** : he stayed up til three am with Remus and they talked about some of the most BORING stuff and then dad went to get them but they dragged him into the conversation but then Sirius got lonely and wanted to join them but he woke me up and forced me to join too because they were talking about BORING stuff

 **ILivedBitch** : so we are all super tired and have back pains bc we all slept in the living room, but we are all also great

 

 

**Puffs and Claws Group chat**

**Bert** : I’m bored

 **Toniiiiiiii** : sounds like a ‘you’ problem

 **Bert** : how dare you

 **Bert** : in the name of intra-house relationships are u obliged to un-bore me

 **Toniiiiiiii** : I….

 **Toniiiiiiii** : it’s “inter-house relationships”

 **Hanni** : u missed the point of “un-boring” us, Anthony

 **Hanni** : u aren’t supposed to bore us even more

 **Toniiiiiiii** : ????? #offended

 **TheSmarterOne** : I’m bored too tbh

 **TheSmarterOne** : I thought pavati and lavender would have burned down our house down by now because of the “subtle” homophobia

 **TheSmarterOne** : alas I have been disappointed

 **Bones** : aren’t fires more of finnagan’s thing?

 **TheSmarterOne** : between him and Longbottom exploding cauldron’s all over the place, I kinda thought it’s a Gryffindor thing

 **Toniiiiiiii** : remember when all of our classes were cancelled in third year bc they managed to explode all of the cauldrons and like a quarter of the dungeons had to be rebuild

 **Hanni** : wasn’t snape in a coma for like two weeks

 **TheSmarterOne** : tbh I think he faked it to escape his life for a bit

 **Bert** : #relatable

 **Bones** : I think he just straight up faked bein dead

 **Bert** : #evenmorerelatable

 **TheSmarterOne** : remember when all our exams were cancelled in first year bc potter and the gang literally fought voldy like three meters below our feet???

 **TheSmarterOne** : and the teachers didn’t even notice???

 **Toniiiiiiii** : I remember freaking out bc I forgot my charms review notes

 **Toniiiiiiii** : and then I learned that harry potter had almost died bc he thought he was the most qualified person in the castle to stop The Heist Of The Century

 **Toniiiiiiii** : and I was just like well fuck I guess my problems are not as dramatic as they first appeared to be

 **Bones** : tbh harry potter’s life in general is an outlier and shouldn’t be counted

 **TheSmarterOne** : true

 **TheSmarterOne** : I still don’t know who was more disappointed about the exams being cancelled

 **TheSmarterOne** : all of ravens combined or one (1) hermione granger

 **Hanni** : hey padma wasn’t your sister almost challenged to duel to death by Malfoy?

 **Bones** : excuse me what

 **Toniiiiiiii** : well that escalated quickly

 **Bert** : u think Malfoy playing games is an escalation of a dark lord trying to kill a student???

 **Toniiiiiiii** : well I mean only one of these things was unusual

 **Toniiiiiiii** : and it’s not the one that u would think it is

 **Bert** : … point

 **Bones** : can I pls get a full story here????

 **TheSmarterOne** : well I think its obvious

 **TheSmarterOne** : my sis went to the yule ball with harry in year 4

 **TheSmarterOne** : aka the one where even more kids than usual were in mortal danger

 **TheSmarterOne** : except this time they signed up for it

 **Bones** : except harry

 **Hanni** : poor dude

 **Bones** : tragic

 **Bones** : but also yea, the Malfoy thing makes sense now

 **Bert** : Malfoy

 **Bert** : he often attac, he sometimes protec, but most importantly, he always thought Harry Potter is a snac

 **Bert** : just took him some time to admit he hungry af

 **Hanni** : oomg ernie

 **Hanni** : nooo

 **Bert** : what? it’s the truth, why are u booing me

 **Hanni** : just because its truth doesn’t mean u should say it

 **TheSmarterOne** : anyway this is just one of many great pieces of blackmail on Malfoy I have kept For Reasons™

 **Bert** : feel free to share more of them

 **Bert** : you know to strengthen our intra-house relationships and all that ;)

 **Toniiiiiiii** : I keep telling you it’s ////i n t e r////

 **Bert** : what? Oh sorry I cant hear you over my success of being deliberately annoying

 **Toniiiiiiii** : you are so so aggravating

 **Bert** : oh yes, seduce me with those long words

 **Toniiiiiiii** : what

 **Bert** : what

 **Toniiiiiiii** : …

 **Toniiiiiiii** : are u being serious

 **Bert** : i don’t know, am i

 **Hanni** : omg guys

 **Toniiiiiiii** : bc if you were serious

 **Toniiiiiiii** : id take u out on a date

 **Toniiiiiiii** : hypothetically

 **Bones** : !!!!!!!

 **Bones** : omg ernie answer your pre-boyfriend wtf

 **Bert** : how about instead of a hypothetical date u grow a pair and open the door?

 **Bones** : OMG is ernie at your fucking house, Anthony??????

 **Hanni** : how had I literally no idea this was a thing

 **Hanni** : since when has this been a thing

 **Toniiiiiiii** : _@Bert_ wtf my parents are home

 **Bert** : well are u gonna introduce me or not

 **Toniiiiiiii** : we aren’t even dating yet

 **Bert** : semantics

 **Toniiiiiiii** : oh now u know big words

 **Bert** : ;) ;) ;)

 

 

**Modern Family (Cause Traditions Suck) Group chat**

**TheMoon** : ok so we have to make A List™

 **TheMoon** : The List Of Things Harry Can’t Talk About On The Radio

 **Fuckoffimreading** : this is going to go so bad

 **ILivedBitch** : thanks, theo

 **Fuckoffimreading** : so, so bad

 **TheStars** : 1. His power level

 **TheStars** : we do not want anyone knowing about that

 **TheStars** : they’ll want to make him into a Light Lord

 **TheStars** : or worse, the minister

 **ILivedBitch** : yea, it’s a no to both of those

 **TheNight** : 2. Any home address

 **TheNight** : 3. Do not make any promises. Any at all. You can’t save the slowly diminishing population of Northern Pixies, nor do you want to become the youngest headmaster of Hogwarts ever

 **ILivedBitch** : those are suspiciously detailed examples

 **TheNight** : if you are asking if we are filtering your mail

 **TheNight** : then yes, we are filtering your mail

 **ILivedBitch** : oh

 **ILivedBitch** : anything I’m missing out on?

 **TheStars** : many many offers to replace draco

 **ILivedBitch** : well, that’s a hard no then

 **Fuckoffimreading** : can’t we just send a decoy

 **Fuckoffimreading** : sending two toddlers in a raincoat and telling them to pretend to be harry potter has less potential of ending in a catastrophe tbh

 **ILivedBitch** : excuse you wtf

 **ILivedBitch** : u would need AT LEAST three (3!!!!!!!) toddlers I’m not that fucking short okay

 **TheMoon** : language

 **ILivedBitch** : >:(

 **TheMoon** : also I’m going to interrupt this for a quick moment

 **TheMoon** : harry I just got an invitation to a joint family dinner between us, the malfoys and the weasleys which we are supposedly hosting

 **TheMoon** : I can’t remember having a suicidal episode so this must be some kind of mistake

 **TheStars** : excuse me what

 **ILivedBitch** : oh yea I almost forgot about that

 **TheNight** : sometime I foget I adopted u and I think well this is someone else’s problem

 **TheNight** : then I remember u are very much my problem

 **TheNight** : harry what the hell

 **ILivedBitch** : I want u all to remember that you love me

 **ILivedBitch** : and rly it’s nor like me and draco had much of a choice

 **TheStars** : literally anything would have been a better choice than this

 **ILivedBitch** : both mrs Malfoy and molly asked us to visited them

 **ILivedBitch** : could u imagine how betrayed they’d have been if we visited the other one first?????

 **ILivedBitch** : and how angry

 **ILivedBitch** : I mean this passive aggressive ‘I guess u like her more than me’ kind of anger

 **Fuckoffimreading** : man that kind of anger sucks

 **ILivedBitch** : exACtlY

 **ILivedBitch** : so even if grimmauld place blows up after five minutes bc malfoys and weasleys are forced to exist in the same space

 **ILivedBitch** : I would still see that as an absolute win

 **TheMoon** : … he has a point

 **TheStars** : oh well

 **TheStars** : it has been nice knowing you all

 

 

**Puffs and Claws Group chat**

**Bones** : hey where’s smith btw

 **Hanni** : in the decoy chat

 **Bones** : …

 **Bones** : the what now

 

 

**Puffs and Claws Group chat Official**

**Smith:** guys?

 **Smith:** hello?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen up humans.  
> If you feel like you need a vacation - take it. That's all I'm gonna say here, but if you are that overworked intern who gets guilted into doing overtime, or that employee who feels like the company is gonna crash if you take a week off - listen, if you need a vacation. Take it. Don't """power through""".  
> Take your damn vacation, kids.
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> I saw the amount of comments in my inbox ~~(after not daring to look into it for w e e k s because when I'm in a slump like this i cannot be exposed to the potential of one (1) slightly critical comment. i WILL cry)~~ and seriously - you guys. I love all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> I'm sorry I can literally not promise anything regarding the next chapter. I'll try my best but yk...  
> I'll try.


	8. Radio killed the Chosen One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TheNight:** do you think I’ll still be employed if I severely harm my employer  
>  **TheStars:** in a normal job? No  
>  **TheStars:** at Hogwarts? Anything is possible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll write a longer end note, but first of all, ENJOY THE CHAPTER. You deserve it after waiting *looks at the date* a billion years.
> 
> **Reminder:** Last chapter it was made clear that Harry would do a live radio show thing. This is this live radio thing. And it... it... escalated a bit. I don't know what happened. I love it, though. It's one of my favourite chapters. I hope you'll like it too.
> 
>  
> 
> **USER NAMES**
> 
>  
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – Fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat
> 
> THE ICONIC FAMILY  
> TheNight - snape. snape. seeeeverus snape.  
> TheStars - siri  
> TheMoon - Wolfy McWolf

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host:** Welcome back to _Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ My name is Percival Harrington, and I’ll be your host for the next two hours! Now, I’m sure you’ve all heard about the special topic we’ll talk about today. Or maybe you just don’t care, because all you care about it today’s guest! I wouldn’t fault you for that haha –

**Harry:** Well, I would.

**Host:** I –

**Harry:** It’s an important topic.

**Host:** Ah, yes, of  course, you are perfectly right. Definitely.

 

 

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**Spiderhuman:** this is already off to an amazing start

**CannonBALLS:** truly a day made for meme-fuckery

**CannonBALLS:** everyone has tuned in, right???

**ExcuseYOU:** I’m one minute late and I already missed smth???

**ExcuseYOU:** potter really isn’t playing around

**GossipQueen:** omg how will he even introduce himself he hates the whole BWL crap

**BlondBitch:** listen bitch

**GossipQueen:** ??????

**GossipQueen:** u wanna go Malfoy??

**BlondBitch:** no I mean literally listen to the damn radio, pansy, they’re doing that part right now

**Knockyourwood:** everyone shut up I can’t read and listen at the same time

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host:** Dear listeners, I am here with no one else than Harry Potter himself! Of course, no introduction is necessary, but still – Harry, do you want to quickly introduce yourself to our listeners?

**Harry** : Um… sure? Hi everyone, my name is Harry. I’m a student at Hogwarts and I’m excited to talk about the topic of muggleborn integration today.

**Host** : …

**Harry** : …

**Host** : You don’t want to –

**Harry** : What?

**Host** : Well. Talk about… yourself? What you’ve … _done_ , a bit more?

**Harry** : Not really. It’s not that interesting, in my opinion. And it’s not why we are here, right?

**Host** : … yes. Of course.

**Harry** : Great.

**Host** : … yes.

**Host** : Well. Ehm, Harry, first of all in the name of our team and all our listeners, it’s great to have you here.

**Harry** : Thank you? I mean, I was surprised to be asked.

**Host** : Now that can’t be true! You must get hundreds of request every day, don’t you?

**Harry** : Maybe? My mail, I mean both letters and emails, are looked through by my dads first. So maybe I get requests, but this is the first time someone wanted to talk to me about something else than myself, so I guess that’s why it was forwarded to me.

**Host** : Wait, are you saying that every letter sent to you gets read by Severus Snape?

**Harry** : Of course not.

**Host** : Oh thank Merlin, I –

**Harry** : He’d go insane. Some of them are read by Sirius and Remus instead.

**Host** : …

 

 

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**CannonBALLS** : I want to see the host’s FACE omg harry

**ExcuseYOU** : can you believe how many fangirls are thinking about just straight up AK’ing themselves right now?

**GossipQueen** : this is mayhem

**GossipQueen** : I love it

**KeepHim** : poor batdad, having to read sexual fantasies about his own son

**KeepHim** : ew, tbh

**Knockyourwood** : u think people are sending harry sexual fantasies about him?????

**Stardust** : of course they do, Neville, what do you think they were doing??

**Knockyourwood** : idk I’m just happy it’s not just me getting these creepy letters!

**Spiderhuman** : excuse me

**AngryCat** : oh no

**Spiderhuman** : what – and I will say this only once

**CannonBALLS** : what have you done, nev

**Spiderhuman** : ~~~ t h e   f u c k ~~~

**Knockyouwood** : it’s not like I’m asking for them!

**Spiderhuman** : I will kill a bitch :)  :) :)

**GossipQueen** : can u all shut up again, I’m trying to // listen //

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : …

**Host** : Sirius … Black.

**Harry** : Yeah.

**Host** : And Remus is…

**Harry** : Remus Lupin. He’s great. Best DADA teacher we ever had. Well, to be honest, Moody was also great, but then there’s the fact that he was actually a Death Eater pretending to be Moody, so …

**Host** : So correct me if I’m wrong, but all the mail you get is read by either Severus Snape, one of the most feared professors at Hogwarts and one of the best Potions Master in the world, Sirius Black, the only person who ever escaped Azkaban, and Remus Lupin. A werewolf.

**Harry** : … I don’t like how you said that.

**Host** : I’m – what?

**Harry** : Remus Lupin is much more than a werewolf, you know. And the fact that he’s a werewolf does not make him a lesser being.

**Host** : Oh, of course not, I just wanted to –

**Harry** : To show that he’s dangerous, right? Well Remus Lupin is a werewolf, yes. But he also loves chocolate and chamomile tea.

**Host** : I –

**Harry** : He has one of the strongest patronus I’ve ever seen. He loves teaching. He doesn’t care how clothes look like as long as they are soft and warm.

**Host** : Yes, he sounds like a great person, I –

**Harry** : He’s super nice and he knows so much about magical theory that both Severus and Sirius are lowkey terrified of him, so there’s that.

**Host** : I – oh.

**Harry** : Yes?

**Host** : …

**Host** : Moving on.

 

 

**Modern Family (Cause Traditions Suck) Group chat**

**TheMoon** : omg no

**TheStars** : you were EXPOSED

**TheNight** : finally the truth is out there

**TheMoon** : I can’t believe he’s done this

**TheMoon** : I guarded this secret so well

**TheStars** : but finally everyone knows

**TheStars** : highty-mighty Remus Lupin

**TheStars** : drinks the most EMBARASSING tea

**TheMoon** : I just

**TheMoon** : it’s soothing

**TheNight** : it tastes more like leaves than any other tea

**TheNight** : chamomile is  d i s g u s t i n g

**TheMoon** : I recognize that you two have this opinion, but your opinion is stupid so I choose to ignore it

**Fuckoffimreading** : I recognize that y’all love spilling tea more than drinking it, but can we please refocus on the radio show?

**TheNight** : of course, yes

**TheNight** : btw have we every found out who accidentally forwarded this request to Harry?

**TheMoon** : I did

**TheMoon** : on prupose

**TheMoon** : *purpose

**TheMoon** : because it’s an important topic and Harry wants more people to pay attention to it

**TheStars** : and also because you know Harry and you thought it would be hilarious to see the world burn

**TheMoon** :

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : So, Harry. Before we get to today’s topic, I would like to actually talk quickly about you, since your childhood is one of the reasons you are so interested in  the topic of the integration of muggleborns, am I correct?

**Harry** : Yes, that’s true.

**Host** : You grew up in the muggle world, right? That must have been difficult, knowing you are different from everyone else.

**Harry** : Well… it’s not like I knew that I was a wizard. I just thought weird things happened around me a lot.

**Host** : You… you didn’t know you were a wizard.

**Harry** : No.

**Host** : But didn’t you grow up with the family of your mother’s sister? They must know about magic.

**Harry** : Oh, they do. They just hoped if they pretended magic didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be a wizard. That didn’t work out, obviously.

**Host** : … obviously. … So… how long did you have to prepare yourself for Hogwarts?

**Harry** : About a month? Hagrid gave me my Hogwarts letter on my eleventh birthday, and he took me to Diagon Alley, so I learned a bit about magic then. I still wonder how my relatives managed to get back home – I’m pretty sure we stole the only boat on the island.

**Host** : The island?

**Harry** : Yes. My uncle got a bit freaked out by all the letters you know? After he burned the first few, they just kept coming and coming. Hundreds of them. Naturally, he lost it and took us all away to this tiny island. It didn’t even have electricity. Not sure what his plan was, exactly, to be honest.

**Host** : … ah. And after you went to Diagon Alley, you…?

**Harry** : Well, I went back to my relatives, obviously. They were back home by that point. But my uncle locked away all my books and everything – so really, I started learning about magic at Hogwarts. The first lessons were a bit overwhelming, haha.

**Host** : … haha, yes. I can imagine.

 

 

**Modern Family (Cause Traditions Suck) Group chat**

**TheNight** : I will

**TheNight** : go back in time

**TheNight** : and punch myself in the face

**TheStars** : you didn’t know. No one knew.

**TheMoon** : well

**TheMoon** : albus knew. parts of it.

**TheNight** : do you think I’ll still be employed if I severely harm my employer

**TheStars** : in a normal job? No

**TheStars** : at Hogwarts? Anything is possible

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : Thank you for these… insights. Ehm. So, looking back at your first year at Hogwarts, do you think muggleborns have a disadvantage compared to those children who grow up with magic?

**Harry**. Well, of course I think so. They do have a disadvantage. I didn’t know how to hold my wand – Ron, if you are listening, stop making that face immediately –

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**CannonBALLS** : I was’t making the face

**Tiredofyourshit** : ofc you were making the face

**CannonBALLS** : u can’t even see me!!

**Tiredofyourshit** : sO?

**Tiredofyourshit** : I know you. I own you. You can’t lie to me.

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Harry** : - or how to write with a quill. There are so many things children who grow up with magic just know because they experienced it every single day, but I didn’t have all that knowledge. And nothing really changed since then, you know, most muggleborn first years are still just as clueless as I was.

**Host** : Interesting. Can you give us an example of one of these things children of magical parents know, which muggleborn children are not aware of?

**Harry** : Well, for example when you make a potion, it matters which knife you use right? It matters if it’s sharp or blunt, and often you need to make sure that you cleaned it completely after cutting something. And the way you cut stuff matters too! As well as the order you put everything into the cauldron.

**Host** : Yes, obviously. That’s just… isn’t that obvious?

**Harry** : Not for a muggleborn! I thought potions were like cooking for the longest time! When you cook a meal, it often doesn’t matter in which order to put the ingredients into the pot. Or what kind of knife you use. You also don’t need to constantly clean the knife, because everything gets mixed up in the pot anyway. I was never taught all these things because – as you say – for someone who grew up with magic, or for someone who has a natural affinity to potions, these things are obvious. They weren’t obvious to me.

 

 

**Modern Family (Cause Traditions Suck) Group chat**

**TheNight** : well that explains a lot

**TheStars** : Hermione never had those problems tho? I wonder why.

**TheNight** : she never had any problems in my class, no. And it’s now obvious why

**TheNight** : first of all she memorized the textbook. And in the textbook it is explained very clearly how to cut something, or in which order to put the ingredients into the cauldron

**TheNight** : Hermione would never question the textbook, so she followed everything to the letter

**TheNight** : Harry, on the other hand, thinks too much

**Fuckoffimreading** : screenshot

**TheMoon** : I think I understand your point, severus

**TheMoon** : Harry tried to improvise and change around steps of the instruction to be more efficient. When you cook something, that makes perfect sense.

**TheMoon** : but he lacked the necessary basic knowledge of potion making to make sure that those changes do not alter the potion itself

**TheNight** : exactly

**TheStars** : he must have blown up so many cauldrons oh circe

**TheNight** : surprisingly he didn’t

**TheNight** : he never once blew something up

**TheNight** : which now that I know the whole story means that he –

**TheMoon** : you can say it

**TheNight** : he

**Fuckoffimreading** : we believe in you, dad

**TheNight** : he might

**TheStars** : almost there sev

**TheNight** : he might have a tiny bit of talent for potions

**TheNight** : which makes sense

**TheNight** : since he’s my son

**TheMoon** : no need to sound so smug, sev

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : Yes, I can see how this can have a major impact on the grades of younger students.

**Harry** : And it’s not only about grades! It’s the culture as well. Like, I thought everyone with magic can speak to snakes. I had no idea it was a rare ability.

**Host** : Oh.

**Harry** : So any time in the first weeks at Hogwarts I could have accidently looked at the Slytherin’s emblem a bit too closely, and there was a chance of me starting to speak Parseltongue. And I would have had no idea why everyone would freak out. I also had no idea why Slytherins were basically shunned by the other students.

**Host** : Well, but as a muggleborn that wouldn’t have made such a difference for you, would it? Why would muggleborns care about Slytherins?

**Harry** : …

**Harry** : Okay, was anyone going to tell me that apparently some people think that cunning and ambitious muggleborns do not exist, or was I just supposed to realize this live on a radio show myself?

 

 

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**Spiderhuman** : w r e c k   h i m

**Tiredofyourshit** : PREACH

**BlondBitch** : this fucker basically said who cares if Slytherins are treated like dirt

**BlondBitch** : I’m gonna buy the whole radio thing and fire his ass

**BlondBitch** : the DISRESPECT

**GossipQueen** : yea but your boi is doing Merlin’s work

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : I’m –

Harry: Also, this isn’t only about muggleborns who are Slytherins and are suddenly confronted with the fact that they have two social disadvantages – being muggleborn and being a Slytherin – without having any idea why that’s the way it is. The magical world was a dream come true for me, and it probably is exactly that for many other muggleborns, so it’s quite a slap in the face to realize that you never even get the chance to be on the same level as your peers.

**Host** : Well –

**Harry** : Because I ALSO realize that you didn’t say anything about Slytherins being shunned in general.

**Host** : Well. This is of course something which has developed because of the unfortunate past of the house. It is proven, that Slytherins are more probable to turn to criminal activities. It’s in their nature.

**Harry** : I’m… actually speechless. Is that something which is generally believed?

**Host** : I do believe –

**Harry** : No, don’t answer that. I already know it is. Okay. Listen. Slytherins are more likely to be _arrested_ for criminal activities. That is true. However, there is the fact that most people on the Auror force and the hitwizard corps are former Gryffindors. A study – don’t look so surprised, I might have spent a lot of my school years being chased around by a madman, but I still _read_ – anyway, a study has estimated that about 40% of minor delicts and 20% of serious criminal acts committed by Gryffindors are covered up. These people either face no charges at all, or they have to pay a ridiculously low fee and walk free. I’m talking about crimes which Slytherins would be thrown into Azkaban for, you know? I feel like we don’t talk about that enough.

**Host** : That’s fascinating, but –

**Harry** : You know what’s also fascinating? The fact that the criminal who was responsible for the most _property_ damage was a Hufflepuff. His name was Hinggings, I think, and he is suspected to have broken into almost a million muggle households all over Britain. Obliviators hate him.

**Host** : I didn’t know that. Now, -

**Harry** : And about 30 percent of Voldypant’s Death Eaters were Ravenclaws. They were convinced the current government doesn’t work in favour of the people and were dreaming about improving it.

**Host** : So you think we need to keep a closer eye on Ravenclaws?

**Ha** rry: What? NO!

**Harry** : I’m saying every person is responsible for their own choices and the fact that a centuries old hat has decided an eleven years old student’s uniform should partially be green should not make that child evil in the eyes of society.

 

 

**Gryffs and Slyths Group chat**

**BlondBitch** : my boyfriend said slytherin rights

**BlondBitch** : and he’ll be rewarded for that

**AngryCat** : gross

**AngryCat** : but yeah. he’s doing great

**Thefirstone** : host: slytherins are bad tho

**Thefirstone** : harry: im about to end this man’s whole career

**GossipQueen** : I’M SO PROUD

**CannonBALLS** : that’s my best friend right there

**CannonBALLS** : also, that’s my girlfriend who bullied us into reading!!!

**Tiredofyourshit** : if my legacy is bullying the chosen one into educating himself so he can use his status to educate the public, then I’m fine with that

**Tiredofyourshit** : it ain’t much, but it’s honest work

 

 

**_Magical Mondays – Start the Week with the Sound of Magic!_ **

**Host** : Well. It looks like our time is almost over. Harry, we have some time left to answer a few calls of our listeners. Are you up for that?

**Harry** : I see no way in which this would not end in a catastrophe. Sounds great, let’s do it.

**Host** : Eh – okay. Then. Here comes the first caller. Hello, who are we speaking to?

**_Caller 1_ ** _: You-Know-Who was a visionary leader, and he would have brought our salvation. You should be executed for –_

**Harry** : Yeah, whatever. Listen. You are ridiculous and Voldemort’s rights are nothing. He was batshit crazy and got killed by a curtain.

**_Caller 1_ ** _: You will face justice –_

**Harry** : Hey. Hey. Stop it. Get some help. Drink more water or something. Think about your choices.

**Host** : I think we should end that call. Um. Sorry about that.

**Harry** : No worries. I’ve heard worse.

**Host** : Oh. Do you still want …

**Harry** : Why the hell not. Second call. Hello?

**_Caller 2_ ** _: HAAAARRRRYYYYY OHHH MYYYYY GOOOOODDDDDDD._

**Harry** : Ah. Hello.

**_Caller 2_ ** _: I LOVE YOU OMG YOU ARE AMAZING AND SO HOT_

**Harry** : Thank you. Appreciate it. It is actually a bit cool in this studio though, but I guess you wouldn’t know that.

**_Caller 2_ ** _: DUMP MALFOY AND MARRY ME_

**Harry** : No thank you. Have a good day.

**Host** : Ah yeah, cut the call. Ehm.

**Harry** : The duality of man, am I right?

**Host** : What?

**Harry** : Muggle psychology. Don’t worry, it’s okay if you don’t understand.

**Host** : I – I think we should finish up.

**Harry** : Come on, one last call.

**Host** : I … guess. Okay. Hello, this is Magical Monday.

**_Caller 3_ ** _: Come home._

**Harry** : Draco! It’s great to hear your voice, I missed you.

**_Draco_ ** _: It’s been like two hours since we’ve seen each other, you absolute embarrassment._

**Harry** : Ah, but you’ve missed me too.

**_Draco_ ** _: I did. You’ve done great today. Now come over._

**Harry** : Are you alone?

**_Draco_ ** _: No, your three dads, your brother, too many Weasleys, your future in-laws, a few teachers and too many classmates to count are all waiting for you._

**Harry** : And you.

**_Draco_ ** _: And me. Always. Idiot._

**Harry** : Okay. I’m coming now. See you in a second.

**Host** : Hey, what –

**Host** : …

**Host** : He just …

**Host** : He just apparated away. He’s gone.

**Host** : I –

**Host** : Well, I guess that was it. I am … your host. And … tired. See you for the next show, I hope you all turn it.

**Host** : Bye.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have already seen it, but this story is now officially marked as "complete". I had planned to write 10 chapters, but then the ending of this chapter.... I just feel like it ended where I wanted this story to go. With Harry surrounded by his family and friends. Which is ridiculous, because this was supposed to be CRACK. And now look at this chapter!!!
> 
> Me: write memes  
> Also me: let Harry go OFF and include all your headcannons 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway. I have this really bad habit where, when I haven't updated for quite a time, I ignore the fact that I have a profile on this site. I will still use AO3, but I can't stand even looking at my profile name, because I feel guilty for disappointing y'all. But now I have a chapter, so I allowed myself to look at your comments (WHICH I WILL ANSWER. EVERY SINGLE ONE.) and ... people. My people. The only reason I'm not crying is because I'm at Starbucks right now.
> 
> You all gave this and the first fic so much love. There's A Meme For That has OVER 1000 KUDOS. I _cannot stress enough_ how much this means to me. To see and hear that you reread this verse, that it makes you smile, means so much to me.
> 
> I will probably continue to add fics to this verse. I love it too much to stop. But I also want to give myself the freedom to do that whenever I want, so they will all be individual fics instead of a multi-chapter fic.
> 
> SO. Here we are. Thank you so much for going along on a ride, where plot invaded my crack fic and held my memes hostage to force me to write about social issues instead. It happens.
> 
> All the best, take care of yourself and remember to continue to collect things which make you smile.  
> Sky <3


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